lesson from a dead relative

Dear Diary,

 

There are things that eat at me. Little things. My dad has annoying mannerisms, my brother has mood issues from time to time that make me feel very uncomfortable, my family pretends that my suicide attempt never happened and my recently departed uncle used to have very racist views. Towards the end of his life, my uncle stopped going on about how he thought youths should be shot and how hanging should be brought back. My uncle used to say that people were too soft on criminals and the government was too soft on immigrants (ignoring the fact that my family could have been asylum seekers were we not expelled from a former British colony). There is something disingenuous about mentioning my dead uncle's racism and extreme right views, as if they still matter compared to the other aspects about the life he lived (such as being a devoted husband and father). My uncle had a redeeming quality, in his later years he got very ill and stopped speaking his mind. My uncle had a realisation that his generation is in the back seat and his kids are the ones in control of things now.

Taking a back seat when you were once the prima donna can be a very hard lesson. Learning that you aren't the numero uno or the leader is something that can be highly damaging to one's self concept, and highly embarrassing if one doesn't internalise it. I have a friend who is always trying to be the leader, but fails all the time.My uncle didn't want to ruffle any feathers and he had more important priorities (living well while ill) and eventually the diatribes he used to go through just stopped. Christmas is usually a happy time for a lot of people. For others who are also legion, it is a hard time. Money is tight to come by (I'm seriously overdrawn right now), families have their issues put under a magnifying glass (losing my uncle is a pretty big deal for my dad and the rest of the family, and it is something which is prominent on my thoughts too). Relationships other than family can come into play, colleagues, friends, lovers and so on. There's a lot going on for people and I have a lot of sympathy for those going through hardships.

The choir singing tonight is for fundraising. I could help make money for charity. I would be doing something conscientious. Working at the communal garden also makes me have a feel-good sense of charity as well. I suppose it's something small that I can help with, and I emphasise small. I also think that there is something to learn from my uncle, that some things you need to just let go of, sometimes holding a candle for someone gets wax all over your hands. Maybe I was really tired yesterday but I did have some pretty dark thoughts during my period of delerium.