Dear Diary,
My hangover has passed. I didn't intend to drink. I didn't foresee that I would drink either. Maybe I'll start today by talking about two related topics. Firstly, on this Christmas Eve of all Christmas Eves, I don't particularly feel happy about everything, nor do I feel overly down. I'm kind of in the middle. There are some good things and some bad things. I'll talk about that later in the section entitled 'sympathy'. What I will talk about now is 'yesterday'.
Yesterday
What did I do yesterday, I did some training with my friend at the gym, then I ate some burger king which was quite evil. However all things considered I only ate twice yesterday. I then did some clearing up. I received my shifts for January, which weren't many, it just barely makes the term shifts as plural. I will have lots of 'off' time in January. Which is fitting considering that November was all busy, December so far has been pretty busy as well. I should expect a big crash just after New Years. Everything is going to wind down and slow up. All the fun stuff is happening now, and then its dead again. That is what really depressed me about New Years past.
I got a text from Antonia to be a model for a massage class, which in turn meant I had a massage. I then found a conflict situation emerging in the class, I tried to talk to the person, and I found myself getting angry. I don't want to go into details but I would have gotten violent, and I realised this ugly hate inside myself and I left the class immediately because I saw a very unattractive part of myself. Feeling upset, I recieved a text from a friend saying that they were planning to go out that night, and I joined them.
We ended up drinking a bottle of scotch together and it was mighty fine, I had a good laugh with those boys and a bit of a cry, I say cry because we were crying with laughter. We then proceeded (I was reluctant) to a bar in Soho, it was nice for a while, I refused to have any more alcohol. I left after about 45 minutes because as I told my friends in terms they could understand 'I wasn't feeling it'. They seemed to have understood this obscure phrase but for me it meant that I felt down, felt tired and my anxiety was reaching its limits. On the way home I had another burger king meal (meal two) and tried to find myself around to get home after the last tube just left. I found myself on Trafalgar square where these two African tourists approached me asking where Charing Cross was. I then pointed literally to my 10 o'clock and told them that was where charing cross was. I then noted that the station would probably be closed by now and asked where they were heading. They said Earls' Court.
I decided just on the spur of the moment that I would help them get home. I walked with them to find a bus stop which would take them home and I was very friendly with them. I showed a side to myself that I forget exists inside of me. I helped them after about 10 minutes find a bus to get to their hotel, they were very appreciative, and I was very happy not only that I could help, but also that I could give a good image of the British public. I felt in some way it gave a very mixed image of who I am especially considering the confrontation earlier. On the bus home I was almost crying, lots of things were hanging on my head and upsetting me. I'm really glad that the night bus ended pretty close to my home. I should keep that in mind in the next instance I ever consider going home from a night out in the West End.
Sympathy
I thought one way to frame my feelings about this festive period of time is to talk about sympathy. This year I've had a very different perspective on the world, and on others compared to other Christmases, except for a couple of days ago when my dad gave me a cash present, I wasn't thinking about how I would personally benefit from xmas presents. I've heard different stories of many other families around me. One family has two male members dealing with (I wouldn't say 'suffering') depression and other related mental health issues. There was a bereavement in their family, and good friends of theirs died. One of them lost their best friend, because he's disabled has his DLA cut, and really has little to no life prospects. The other person in that family has been dealing with depression which is severe enough to affect his performance at work, and he may be dismissed if he's on sick leave for too long. Depression happens in real people, I wear an ushanka, have long hair and a handlebar moustache, I'm not a 'real' person by most stretches of the imagination. I feel sad for them, I appreciate that their life, and their times in general are difficult.
I think Christmas highlights the good and bad things in life. I spared a thought for my ex, while there are some family instabilities, she has a lovely boyfriend now and she treats her well. Good for her, I'm happy that she can have time to be happy and joyous and indulgent. There is another family that I know, who are essentially broken up this year. The father (my uncle) has died, my aunt has gone to Canada to see her new grandson, and my cousin is on her own without them this year. I think of her this year and I will make an effort to visit her. There are other families who have members dealing with illness as well, financial hardships and other kinds of instabilities. There is a couple that I know who had a son the age of my sister who died almost 2 years ago now. My mum visited his grave, apparently there were lots of other people visiting graves today, as they remember the dearly departed. I share a sense of sadness as I think of them. I see the homeless as well who deal with much challenge, it's bitterly cold sometimes and finding housing, tolerance, and employment can be even more frosty than the physical hardships of living rough. There's so much heaviness in the world, I've not even thought about my own life and I can get very upset.
There are good things as well. New life, new loves and relationships. My brother and brother in law's brother have girlfriends who are very devoted and to whom they are very devoted; my friends are facing prospects and achievements in their work and career; for many friends they are going through the best of their lives. If years were a season, I am in the April or May of my youth. 25 is the year where I can be both mature and young. I do feel youth passing me quickly as the heavier things seem to get on my mind. There are a lot of parties, a lot of drinking, a lot of eating, merriment, but what I like the most is the camaraderie and laughter of friends and family. Nothing lifts my soul more than a joke and the brotherhood of my boys (since most of my friends are predominantly male, and we do male things together, like have naked showers and do deadlifts). As Christmas passes and goes, I think of these people and many more who go through this day. I also think about Jesus. How wouldwe think of a married couple, where the mother is carrying the child of another man, where they are desperately poor and so poor that they have to be around horse shit in a stable as that's the only place that is closest to warmth. That would probably sound to a modern audience like an anecdote from Jeremy Kyle. I will add a coda to this blog post, namely an answer to the question: what will you (as in me) be doing for Christmas?
My Christmas.
Today my mum is making a lovely roast. Tomorrow we will be dining well, my brother is coming over. I'm not sure if his girlfriend is coming. I will recieve presents as well as give them. We will eat together, maybe laugh together, remember the past, and maybe hope for the future. I might be on my computer trying to catch up on my job searching and other tasks that I've put off for the past few days. There is a plan to visit a family friend and engage in some christmas karaoke (oh dear). Boxing day will involve a visit to my sister and there is the prospect of getting more gifts, and seeing the family that is joined together by marriage and the shared sense of awkwardness that we are culturally different. We are london grown suburban working class minority ethnic catholics with surrey upper middle class (sometimes i forget the middle is there) skiing white anglicans. I'm not saying that there is tension in the family, far from it by any means. However I do feel on edge with my parents and with myself, especially with their family because I want to be polite and I don't know them very well. Also there is the prospect of more food. There is also the prospect of lots of gym after the 26th. There is New Years Eve, New Years day, and a few days where my friends might still be in town to get together. After around the 5th, things start to get quiet and I'm off work until the 25th. That's when it gets emotionally challenging.
Everything kicks off right now for about 10 days and life feels like a dream, going merrily well. Eventually the boat goes down a waterfall after January and then I'm all alone again. I'm a bit emotionally distant because I'm preparing myself for that. So that's how I feel about Christmas. Maybe if I'm still writing memoirs when I'm 50, I'll write this post again sometime.
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