I'm so behind (week 3 without counselling)

Dear Diary,

 

On some reflection, I think that I have exhibited an extraordinary amount of behaviour over the past few days. Here's a summary:

• Yesterday: Major grad scheme interview/assessment, I got home by around 3:30. I felt pretty physically and emotionally spent by the time I got home. I spent the rest of the evening playing skyrim and messing around
• Sunday: I went to a choir rehearsal (for a new choir) and helped at a communal garden. I also did some final prep for the interview
• The day before then (Saturday) I was doing the hardest part of prepping for that assessment, reading about 200 or so pages and then I also did some training in the morning

So why do I feel so lazy today? I got up around 10, had breakfast and settled in by 11:30. I then spent about 4 hours marking an essay, and for the past hour I have been tidying little things up and chatting to a friend I feel lazy, I feel that I've not done enough. I'll go out of the house to play some badminton in a moment, and maybe I'll go to the community group meeting to say hi and see what is going on, or I may not do that. I'm working tomorrow (late evening shift) and the day after that is the same kind of shift. I've decided to airsoft on Saturday, so that's going to be fun and rigorous. I'm tired, physically I've done a lot over the past few days and I had only last night and a late morning as respite. I shouldn't complain in the sense that I am getting on with things slightly. I am typically behind on my routine.

I just realised that its the third week since I've ended counselling. I think in perspective, in balance, I've been super busy. Super active. There's a part of me that still feels like my life is empty and that I'm a loser. I talked to another Pretty Girl at the interview yesterday. PG was interested and seemingly amused at my use of the term "von Neumann archicecture" (that's a computer thing despite the word archictecture). I had a bit of a chemical response with her and I started feeling stupid. I refer to this as a physical reaction to women that I like, or that seem to like me. Anyway, I tried to clear that from my mind and started feeling miserable for a couple of hours, then I had some chocolate and cheered up. Monday night was fairly quiet overall.

I realise there's much to do, many jobs, many PhDs and I think this is probably exaclty what I said last week after my long-ass shift. I hope that I can get ahead of my schedule. I'm setting a lot for myself lately, and I'm so easily inclined to just forget about everything. I could give myself a break and say that of today I've done the following: marked an essay, earned enough money to pay for my airsoft place on saturday, I've received some gear from amazon and I'm off to badminton, that's 4 items. I could do some job searching when I get back, if I really push hard I could apply to a vacancy today.

The job situation is really shitty and sucky, but I am trying to be enterprising and active. I'm thinking about getting involved with that local community group, this new choir, meeting up with my friends, freelance tutoring and writing as well as working part time. Oh, and I'm trying to keep fit through badminton and weight training. Talking of fitness, my shoulder is straining me right now, but I won't let that stop me from playing relaxed badminton, stress on the word relax.