At least I have my health

Dear Diary,

I blog on here normally when I either have too much to do, or when I'm trying to avoid things, or when I'm filling with thoughts that I need to let go. I feel pretty deflated. I woke up pretty late, mainly because I'm feeling depressed. As I got up I noticed lots of rejection emails. One fora PhD, one for the graduate scheme, and another for an editorial job. Those are all of my cards out of the hand. I'm upset about it. I feel this feeling in the pit of my stomach, like an ball shaped thing of bitterness. I fucked it. I'm sorry.

I don't know what to do now. I just feel like staring into the screen. I've mentioned in previous posts about how at any given time I can emphasise the good stuff more than the bad, and more likely, the bad stuff over the good. I'm just trying to think of good things or 'not-bad' things right now. I can certainly think of a lot of negative things right now. I guess I could get on with my day. Today I have a few hours to catch up before I start getting ready for work. Apparently its a shorter shift than before. I feel like saying to myself: "This is the worst Christmas ever". There's so much shit that I have to deal with, deaths in the family and the wdier community; my fucking shit job prospects and semi-employment; being broke all the time; not having enough cash to get presents; being overdrawn and perhaps worst of all, the memories that come around this time. My bulimia was pretty bad 4 years ago, 3 years ago my PhD (probably to this day) application got rejected - happy anniversary. 5 years ago I was dealing with the whole 'incarceration' thing. 6 Years ago my anxiety was fucking me over. I guess last year wasn't so bad. At least I have my health. I could go training for the next few days and work on my physique.