Cursed virtues

Dear Diary,

Monday was pretty productive. Tuesday not so much. I did pilates for the first time on Monday and Tuesday I felt exceptionally sore. I was genuinely going to skip it as my quads are worn out. I'm barely able to stand as it is. Tuesday (note that its 00:47 on a wednesday so I can't say 'Today') I caught up with my book reivew and played skyrim for ages. I played a bit of piano and then I got upset. A lot of things are eating away at me right now. The job market, my limited prospects, a low self esteem, bulimia memories, darker memories from the past are resurfacing. I'm remembering when I was 18 and I didnt have many friends at university. I hated how I had all these expectations and it didn't materialise. I just dropped like a lead balloon, and then I popped, like a fart.

I feel like such a loser. I really need to work hard. Maybe objectively speaking, one day this feeling of inadequacy might make me seem sexy and dark (not to say that it may to some women already). I fucking hate this feeling and I cant shake it off. Well, sometimes I can shake it off but only when I'm really active and I'm pushing myself. I feel that's the only way I can let go of this feeling of inadequacy. Maybe that or getting results.There's a lot I miss about purging, at home my mum is nagging my dad, and my dad is just having a throaty cough and doesn't speak in full sentences. There is a lot which is dragging my down mentally and emotionally, they make me feel like I cant be myself. I think that's how my neighbour felt, the one who drank himself silly and died at 33. My great fear is that I don't want to be him. My dad often looks at people on the news or on the telly and ridicules how bad their life is. Why can't my dad say when people show good qualities, why does he always have to think about the bad in people.

It is something all of my friends know as a trait in me, but they don't see it like that: they think 'I'm funny'. It's not funny, when its self-hate and despair.