still waters run deep

Dear Diary,

I have been invited to an interview for a job in events, but also based at a university. It's great that I have been invited to an interview. The only thing is, they are asking me to dig up some publicity that I was involved with in creating an event. It was a long time ago when I used to make events at university. That means I have to find the literature from the ADC days. It's making me trigger. It's making me trigger in a really big way. I talked about some uncomfortable stuff in counselling yesterday, but nothing as uncomfortable as what I'm feeling now. I am looking at the ADC website, and I'm so proud at how far they have come. I guess what is really getting me down is that I'm not a part of it, and the circumstances in which I was basically ousted and long forgotten. I guess that's the way university societies work. Stephen Fry in his 'Fry Chronicles' talks about how in some respects his University town of Cambridge always stays the same after he has left it, but it invariably changes as well. The Cambridge city that he visits is never the 'his' Cambridge from the days in which he was an undergraduate. Fry makes that old quote from Thales that 'you can never step into the same river twice'. I am looking at the river that is the ADC, and the water that I once passed through is long, long gone.

Now I'm trying to get on with my life in what ever way I can. My chest is really hurting from triggering, feeling upset by this past. I talked about during counselling how I felt so ashamed of the past, how I felt that I needed so desperately to draw a line over the past, that I made so much effort to 'prove' to myself that I'm different now. Some things change and others don't. ADC reminds me of what is the same in me, and it reminds me of the part of me I don't like. I feel like almost for the reason that its upsetting me, that I don't want to do this interview task, and therefore, not do the interview. So, I'm looking for documents from 2006-2008. You know this shouldn't upset me so much but it does. I'm going to look for these documents, I will set a specific time wherin to search for it, and then I'm going to stop, and contact the HR department and tell them either I can't give them the document, or the interview is off. This is the second time I've turned down an interview, this time because they have upset me and made me trigger.