Keep moving

Dear Diary,

When my anxiety used to really grip me, I saw how people had plans in their actions, but when it came to me, I found extreme difficulty in trying to execute many of those tasks. I remember for instance I took a class in social interactionism, and at the same time a class on the philosophy of social science. I would feel exceptionally uncomfortable at how I couldn't create a plan, how I couldn't visualise the end point of any given goal, I would always realise the inherent uncertainty of whatever important thing that I wanted . There were so many ways in which the goal was unattainable, or perhaps better put, so many obstacles which would entail it would not happen.

My greatest fear was rejection. A PhD rejection, that happened, that happend multiple times. I live constantly in what I feared. I feared a worst possible situation, and now I'm living it. I'm living in the worst possible world. I guess if I really thought about it, it could be worse, but I am far from happy, thats why I so often feel repressed, because I don't want to acknowledge these feelings.

Today I have made a good inroad into clearing the next 14 days. I think its fair to say that I've completed most of today's scheduled tasks. I'm a bit high on my caloric intake but if I dont eat anything else (except maybe protein shakes) I should make today a worthwhile day. Speaking of worthwhile days, I think that it might be a good oppurtunity to go to the gym. I've noticed that this weekend will have a few distractions. For one, I'm going to work in the late morning on saturday, for two I'm going to a birthday party on Sunday (not the fun kind, the family kind). I wonder to myself whether it is possible to go to the gym 5 times this week. I think the only way that's possible is if I go today, I can decide on thursday and friday when those days happen. I suppose that since I have completed enough of my tasks for today, I can go to the gym. I hate the way my life has ended, and to be honest, my life has ended. I used to be so special.

But 'life' in some semblance or other goes on. I don't really feel like going to the Gym. My old (and dearly departed) piano teacher used to say, the best time to practice is when you don't want to. Antonia also used to say to me in times of despair: keep moving. I don't have either of those people in my life, its just me. I feel like crying. Maybe crying will look more cool if I'm doing situps.

I'm going off to the gym, I think in writing this blog post I have decided that. I will summarise my day's activities:

 

• Applied to a job
• Sent CV to local agency
• Job search
• (going to) train at gym
• (non urgent) trying to sort out how to play more games on my computer
• (non urgent) catch up on reading articles from last week
• (non urgent) catching up on proms/podcast/audiobooks. 

I'm off to the gym, now.