momentum

Dear Diary,

I've probably blogged a lot today, I think that says that I have a lot more on my mind. I've had a lot on my mind of late (do I ever not?) but I've not the time to sound off. Sometimes I write on here and just write any nonsense that goes into my head, I think sometimes you should contextualise the feelings that I have against the actions that I put out. I had moments of feeling low today, I've had moments of anxiety, I've had moments of anger. I feel like some solitary figure, sending actions out into the world which I feel seperated from.

In an attempt to clear out my HDD, I've been watching things that I've got on my disk. I happened to have a documentary series on british pop, fascinating stuff, but it also gave me a sense of nostalgia and it gave me a certain kind of detachment/reattachment from the world. I could reference this feeling with Plato's address of the role of poetry and dramatics in the Republic, but I feel I've done that a great many times. I've applied to a job today, went training, in fact its the third day in a row. The plan is to try to go for 5 days in a row, maybe I'll pull it off, maybe I wont. I've sent a CV to an agency, I've done a lot of job searching, I've read a lot of articles as a form of catchup, I've also emailed my former colleague. Boy was that a long and convoluted way of emailing someone. I feel as if I have done enough today, but I also have a feeling, similar to when I'm on the 2nd set of a deadlift: can I do more?

I'm trying to go not on top gear so as to burn out, but maybe something like 4th or 3rd gear: get enough done but leave some rest time to do some more. I've been picking off odd tasks from next week to clear, like shooting tin cans, its small but effective at chipping a larger block. I am starting to think about the past. I know I always do this, but I'm starting to think about a time which was not very long ago at all, but as time goes on, enough distance has passed for me to look at it with more perspective. I'm thinking about 2008 and 2009. I guess you could say that I think quite a bit about the past, but I don't dwell too much - That's a lie. Every morning I dwell. In recent mornings I think to myself: why bother, why even try to make things better when it just isn't working?

The first thing I ask myself is: just do one thing. That one thing is sit up out of bed. After I do that I say to myself: just do one thing, I get up, go to the toilet. If I'm feeling really shit I either think: I want to go to bed, or I think about weighing myself. Normally at this point I stop thinking that I need to do one more thing, I end up getting on with the day. The hardest action is creating momentum, and for tonight, I need to just let the wheel turn until it wears itself to stationery position.