beyond one's means

Dear Diary,

I have started to talk about difficult things I talked about some difficult issues during counselling yesterday. I suffered an indignity yesterday, and I suppose it will continue. I was asked about my interview. I hate having to tell them that I didn't get the job, why? because it's the same story. It's the same face I have to make, its the same disappointment that I have to make public to people who seem interested in my wellbeing. Its the same awkward face that other people make, the same face that they don't know how to react, or say something that can make a difference.

I've looked at my bank account. I'm at a deficit. I'm not at zero, but I am going to have to eat into the savings money that my mum gave me and I do not take this lightly. I don't have enough money to make things go around. I think this means that some things that I have planned (social events) in August will have to be abandoned. I'm reaching an important and difficult set of issues in counselling, and I don't really know if I can be 'better'. I'm also (with the exception of the 0.4lb weight gain (I haven't been able to poo for 2 days) losing weight at a fairly good pace over these past couple of months, so the gym fees are worthwhile. I've recieved an extra shift this month, which makes things go by a little easier.

Yesterday I had to bail out of the gym early because my left knee was acting up. The same thing happened last tuesday, although I haven't had any knee issues when I trained the two times between last tuesday and this most immediate tuesday. I need to go easy on that leg, I have to be fit enough on saturday.

I'm lonely, I realise this as I have less people to be myself around. All of the guys I have as friends that I chat to want to understand me in only a limited way. I probably don't have any time to grab some breakfast at home, but I do look forward to getting my favourite burrito later today at work. I really do love that big fat burrito, it is terribly indulgent. I am immediately reminded again, that there are fees. It costs money to eat, it costs money to travel, it costs money to buy decent antivirus software...I'm being really frugal with my money and I might sound overly conscientious about it, but the honest truth is that I'm living beyond my means. I'm really trying to make it work, but nothing seems to happen for me. I hate the fact that I am drawn, no matter how hard I try, to the same conclusion: I'M GOING NOWHERE.

I've got to get ready for work now.