a thought/feeling dump

I went out, bought some shampoo/conditioner, it was on offer in superdrug. Superdrug is the poor man's boots. I then decided (slightly on a whim) that I'd get a hair cut. I thought: I'll allow the indulgence, plus I have an interview and an office do with the intern people. I could spruce up. I felt like a real human being instead of some self hating recluse when I was having my head felt up by hair dressing ladies. The lady seemed surprised when I asked to have about half of my hair cut off. It's not exactly a new look, but it is very short by my standards. I've even decided to have the hair shorter at the front. Like tony stark's iron man in the 1990s.



On further consideration, I think Iron Man is a bit longer than mine. Oh well, I'm not a billionaire, nor do I have ultra high tech suits, or gorgeous muscles.

When I got home, my parents were talking about various things, as they do. From xmas decorations to food, and then they mentioned my brother. Apparently more details came out from their conversation that I wasn't willing to listen to earlier. My brother says he doesn't want to come home for the foreseeable future and asks that mail is forwarded to him at a certain address.

This upsets me. This makes me think and feel various things:

• This is a lot like the neighbour who lives across the street from us, who started saying he won't visit his parents anymore and kept emailing us. Then he ran off to finland, had some mental breakdown trying to rid himself of the past in some symbolic way and then died. The reminder of my neighbour is not a happy precedent
• This is embarrassing. He's always been a bit weird. There was the time he didn't come to his own birthday party. There was when my ex came over and he refused to leave the room to say hello. He just used to text me even thought we were in the house.
  
• This is putting a strain on the family as a unit.
• This is putting a strain on me.

I could focus on my schedule, but i feel both hungry, purgy and not hungry. I need to force myself to eat. This would help get my blood sugar up and then concentrate and then get things done!

I've been talking to myself a lot over the past 24 hours. At work, I was thinking about the dark times, and how much it changed my family and I. I was also thinking about my relationship with Mia, and the voice I used to hear in my head that was me. It was me against me, instead of me against mia.