"Carpe Diem" is more than a metallica song

"My Successful Friends" Tales Of Mere Existence


Good afternoon (shit, really?)

I got up maybe like an hour ago, I slowly woke up. I read a comic, checked google reader, and then I read up some mail. I had a bit of an anxiety/worry trigger because the people that the job centre are referring me to are 'bothering' me. I've made it clear that I've wanted to end my claim. I've not gone to a few appointments and they are pestering me as if I didn't send off that claim at all. I'm fucking peeved at their administrative incompetence. I hate that if I were to complain they would defend themselves by the 'I'm only following procedure' excuse. Yeah, you and every other fucking murderous Nazi and Rwandan soldier can hide behind that one. No one wants to claim responsibility for the small stuff anymore. Why do we think its a worry if they can't accept responsibility for the big stuff? It's a cultural malaise, a suffocation of the reasonable man (and woman).

So, I feel quite angry right now. I'm angry at the job centre, I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at myself for being so lazy, that I was too tired and weak to wake up. I'm feeling increasingly weak these past few days. You know waht would perk me up? A job, better still, a healthier fitter body.

Anyway, today is my 'catch up' day. I've not done very much since probably yesterday or it might go back to even last saturday. I felt really low in bed earlier. I still feel a bit low. I will try to struggle on with my schedule, but I wonder what the point of it is. I seem to be fighting a battle, a war on so many fronts. I wish I could be underweight and weak, that way girls will think of me in more a sympathetic light. As a fat person I am not seen as valid in their eyes.

There's always mia...

Mia only seems appealing if I'm denying her, like any other girl, once I'm wrapped around her finger I'm no longer a novelty and I have to fight for her favour and justification.

I feel so angry, and it makes me see how unsympathetic people really are. Or maybe, it's making me insufferable to others. Maybe I'll do the bold thing and pretend its not happening. The one thing I hate about depression is when you can see it affect your relationships with other people. Like with my brother. He's such a loser.

I have to prove myself: that I'm not a loser like my degree-less brother, and not like my loser neighbour.

I feel like such a disappointment. Maybe I'll do the louise hay thing and reverse that negativity: today is midday: it is still bright and full of oppurtunities. I still have an interview to hear back from, and then there is the graduate sscheme that I have yet to hear to. I have things that I could do today and a few jobs to apply to. Today is a set of opportunities. Seize them!