Dear Diary, (I feel like starting this way seems more accessible)
Today I felt something. I felt a strong sense of rejection and hopelessness. When I was an undergraduate my biggest fear was the possibility that a PhD wasn't possible. Now my fear is that it's happened. They say its important to acknoweldge your fears. It's important to acknowledge the things which undermine you. My dad is good at undermining me, and my mum. If I had more control over the things that undermined me I'd be a better person for it: I'd be less flawed.
I woke up around 5am today. I felt like having an intense shit. I then lay in bed for what seemed to be an hour or so. I couldn't sleep so I went downstairs, made myself some breakfast and then I played some xbox. I figured this would be the best time when my parents aren't awake. It would be nice to have a tv in my room. I used to have a tv ages ago, I won it after doing a survey. Well technically I got a £100 certificate from Amazon. Some chinese students 'took' my TV when I finished the tenancy on a place in 2008. It was one of those old school CRT televisions, but it survived well.
I was looking at a potential PhD or MPhil department, I suddenly had a feeling of dread. Perhaps I shouldn't go for a PhD, I am telling myslef. Perhaps I should go for an MA when I can afford it. I don't think I'll have any luck with academic funding so maybe the best bet is to self fund. That means I should get a job and then when I have enough money I'll apply for an MA or something. Maybe that would work. I could do the MA part time and maybe I could focus on the academic papers for now.
The more time passes the more I see people my age group doing stuff. That Joanna Yeates who died in Bristol seemed successful, she had a beautiful place in a beautiful part of Bristol, and the BBC keep repeating that she's a landscape architect. I wish I had something cool like that to say about my life. I am moaning and I shouldn't moan. I should focus on making my life better and finding a way to rise above all this shit going on. It used to be classical music and academia which was my escape. Now I find both worlds closed to me.
I feel lost. Its not good to feel lost when I have a schedule, because things do not get done.
I wish there was some way I could make this all right.
I've been eating too much these past few days. This morning I've had some cereal and pringles. This afternoon I had some salmon that mum made from Xmas eve. I might actually go out tonight to a club. I'm that desperate.
After checking my phone, I was invited to go yesterday. Fuck.
I have realised something: if I think about somethingthat I want to do and don't write it down on my schedule. It doesn't get done. Look at all the clutter in my room that I have not scheduled to clean up for instance. Perhaps there's a lesson to be learned here. When I'm surrounded by so much emotional shit, its good to start picking up the things immediately around me.
Today I felt something. I felt a strong sense of rejection and hopelessness. When I was an undergraduate my biggest fear was the possibility that a PhD wasn't possible. Now my fear is that it's happened. They say its important to acknoweldge your fears. It's important to acknowledge the things which undermine you. My dad is good at undermining me, and my mum. If I had more control over the things that undermined me I'd be a better person for it: I'd be less flawed.
I woke up around 5am today. I felt like having an intense shit. I then lay in bed for what seemed to be an hour or so. I couldn't sleep so I went downstairs, made myself some breakfast and then I played some xbox. I figured this would be the best time when my parents aren't awake. It would be nice to have a tv in my room. I used to have a tv ages ago, I won it after doing a survey. Well technically I got a £100 certificate from Amazon. Some chinese students 'took' my TV when I finished the tenancy on a place in 2008. It was one of those old school CRT televisions, but it survived well.
I was looking at a potential PhD or MPhil department, I suddenly had a feeling of dread. Perhaps I shouldn't go for a PhD, I am telling myslef. Perhaps I should go for an MA when I can afford it. I don't think I'll have any luck with academic funding so maybe the best bet is to self fund. That means I should get a job and then when I have enough money I'll apply for an MA or something. Maybe that would work. I could do the MA part time and maybe I could focus on the academic papers for now.
The more time passes the more I see people my age group doing stuff. That Joanna Yeates who died in Bristol seemed successful, she had a beautiful place in a beautiful part of Bristol, and the BBC keep repeating that she's a landscape architect. I wish I had something cool like that to say about my life. I am moaning and I shouldn't moan. I should focus on making my life better and finding a way to rise above all this shit going on. It used to be classical music and academia which was my escape. Now I find both worlds closed to me.
I feel lost. Its not good to feel lost when I have a schedule, because things do not get done.
I wish there was some way I could make this all right.
I've been eating too much these past few days. This morning I've had some cereal and pringles. This afternoon I had some salmon that mum made from Xmas eve. I might actually go out tonight to a club. I'm that desperate.
After checking my phone, I was invited to go yesterday. Fuck.
I have realised something: if I think about somethingthat I want to do and don't write it down on my schedule. It doesn't get done. Look at all the clutter in my room that I have not scheduled to clean up for instance. Perhaps there's a lesson to be learned here. When I'm surrounded by so much emotional shit, its good to start picking up the things immediately around me.
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