Graduate scheme applications are emotionally draining.
Yesterday I worked at the cloakroom where there were two events. One event was a conference for a financial underwriter something or other, and loads of 20-somethings were there being all graduate-y and beautiful. Obviously that makes me green because I have done so little with my life. I saw a life in their activities, they were dedicated to their jobs, wore smart clothes, talked incredibly posh and were all beautiful. Everything that I want to be. Some how I've beome a loser in my life. Perhaps I always was one but everyone humoured me.
After work (and a fire alarm which froze my ass off) I went home and ate a bit, my mum told me the neighbours are inviting us to a dinner at a chinese restaurant. It was lovely. I purged though. It wasn't entirely willing. I felt bloated and I thought to myself: okay, if it happens it happens. I purged about 3-5 chugs full. I suffocated on a piece of nut, which led to a few more chugs than normal. I've not purged like that in a long time. Alas, I kept it secret.
Lately I've felt a lot of memories. You can't draw a line under the past, especially if its unresolved. The memories I'm having lately are not of my ex, the year of limbo after my MA, the year since coming up to now, but of my undergraduate years. Its funny how all of the fears I had back then have materialised, Now I live in it. I live in hell.
I feel like comfort eating downstairs. I'll call it lunch. As it is lunch time. I'm trying to answer some graduate scheme questions, but I find it horrid. One question goes: name one significant achievement over the past two years.
Fuck...
Yesterday I worked at the cloakroom where there were two events. One event was a conference for a financial underwriter something or other, and loads of 20-somethings were there being all graduate-y and beautiful. Obviously that makes me green because I have done so little with my life. I saw a life in their activities, they were dedicated to their jobs, wore smart clothes, talked incredibly posh and were all beautiful. Everything that I want to be. Some how I've beome a loser in my life. Perhaps I always was one but everyone humoured me.
After work (and a fire alarm which froze my ass off) I went home and ate a bit, my mum told me the neighbours are inviting us to a dinner at a chinese restaurant. It was lovely. I purged though. It wasn't entirely willing. I felt bloated and I thought to myself: okay, if it happens it happens. I purged about 3-5 chugs full. I suffocated on a piece of nut, which led to a few more chugs than normal. I've not purged like that in a long time. Alas, I kept it secret.
Lately I've felt a lot of memories. You can't draw a line under the past, especially if its unresolved. The memories I'm having lately are not of my ex, the year of limbo after my MA, the year since coming up to now, but of my undergraduate years. Its funny how all of the fears I had back then have materialised, Now I live in it. I live in hell.
I feel like comfort eating downstairs. I'll call it lunch. As it is lunch time. I'm trying to answer some graduate scheme questions, but I find it horrid. One question goes: name one significant achievement over the past two years.
Fuck...
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