I woke up fairly late this morning, I had a wank, and then I was so horny I had a second wank about 10 minutes after my first orgasm. I rarely do that. I did it yesterday, but before then I've not orgasmed twice like that probably since before I had my girlfriend (now known as the ex). Clearly there's some change in my hormones if that's happening. My pillow is the victim.
As I got up, I felt a big sense of dread, from knowing that I've got so many things to do. I also decided take a different approach and make a list of all the things i've been thinking about doing and scheduled them. I started from simple things, put my clothes on, have a shower, put clothes in the wash, weigh yourself, and then other things like: schedule haircut, consider withdrawing from ISA (the so-called 'last resort').
I did various of these things, and then I decided to eat, I am in a weird state of being hungry and gaining weight, I also need a shit but its not coming out yet. I feel guilty eating, and even more so if I'm gaining weight according to the scales. As I put the food in the microwave, my dad called me in his angry voice. My dad called attention to an email my brother sent. I only presuemd the content and did not feign interest. I know that my brother emailed me asking for no presents this year. That's what I presumed it was about. I tried to forget about it and eat. After hearing my dad's negative tone I knew it couldn't be good, in addition I also know that as background knowledge, the following propositions come into play:
I think my brother is depressed. Something is up with him. He's been unemployed and on temporary jobs on and off since he got laid off from working at a public sector job that was fairly cushy. He's released a debut album with a band that he soon quit, and he was with those guys since he was 13 years old. My brother allso turned 30 this year and is a couple of months from 31. My brother ended a relationship with this girl he started meeting from when I graduated and then he said we aren't allowed to talk about it. my brother likes to set the tone for lots of conversations, he's always trying to be controlling. As a kid I was shit scared of him, I couldn't tell if he was going to play nice or get mad at me. I was constantly petrified and distanced from him. He sounds like a guy with his own issues.
Maybe 'issues' is a genetic thing.
I don't often say this when I blog but I should. I feel a ltitle better getting this out in the open, getting this out in my thoughts. To avoid talking about a topic is to suppress it in a way that hinders clarity but also agitates the real issue itself. Now I'm going to buy some shampoo/conditioner. Maybe charity shop as well. I'm on a budget so I really should be frugal.
As I got up, I felt a big sense of dread, from knowing that I've got so many things to do. I also decided take a different approach and make a list of all the things i've been thinking about doing and scheduled them. I started from simple things, put my clothes on, have a shower, put clothes in the wash, weigh yourself, and then other things like: schedule haircut, consider withdrawing from ISA (the so-called 'last resort').
I did various of these things, and then I decided to eat, I am in a weird state of being hungry and gaining weight, I also need a shit but its not coming out yet. I feel guilty eating, and even more so if I'm gaining weight according to the scales. As I put the food in the microwave, my dad called me in his angry voice. My dad called attention to an email my brother sent. I only presuemd the content and did not feign interest. I know that my brother emailed me asking for no presents this year. That's what I presumed it was about. I tried to forget about it and eat. After hearing my dad's negative tone I knew it couldn't be good, in addition I also know that as background knowledge, the following propositions come into play:
- My dad can be pretty judgmental and negative/draining sometimes. He can be pretty nice too
- My brother has a history of depression, it became an open thing around the time after I started my Masters degree
- My brother's depression makes me think about my own depression, and makes me uncomfortable about it. I need to find a way of takling about and dealing with not only knowing about his issue, but also how it relates to mine in terms of self awareness (not to say his has an impact on me, but ...we are brothers, and I guess it shows we are alike in ways I dont want to acknowledge)
- My dad, and my brother, remind me of the things I hate most about myself. I suppose they feel the same about me. That's kinship for you
- In the background of this family situation I should probably mention that I have my occaisional fights with mum and dad, I can have a temper.
- My dad has never talked to my sister properly (except if its a really bad confrontation, or at her wedding when he pretended) in my living memory. I'm 24 years old. That's not fucking normal, and I grew up around that.
I think my brother is depressed. Something is up with him. He's been unemployed and on temporary jobs on and off since he got laid off from working at a public sector job that was fairly cushy. He's released a debut album with a band that he soon quit, and he was with those guys since he was 13 years old. My brother allso turned 30 this year and is a couple of months from 31. My brother ended a relationship with this girl he started meeting from when I graduated and then he said we aren't allowed to talk about it. my brother likes to set the tone for lots of conversations, he's always trying to be controlling. As a kid I was shit scared of him, I couldn't tell if he was going to play nice or get mad at me. I was constantly petrified and distanced from him. He sounds like a guy with his own issues.
Maybe 'issues' is a genetic thing.
I don't often say this when I blog but I should. I feel a ltitle better getting this out in the open, getting this out in my thoughts. To avoid talking about a topic is to suppress it in a way that hinders clarity but also agitates the real issue itself. Now I'm going to buy some shampoo/conditioner. Maybe charity shop as well. I'm on a budget so I really should be frugal.
No comments:
Post a Comment