I've had a growing catalogue of computer related problems. I feel that it all relates to one moment. All the technology I got was around the time I was doing a masters degree. Most of the stuff came from the government and they were good to pay me with disability technologies. Now said technologies are falling apart and fucking up. It is the lasting and enuduring failure symbolic of my MA stupidities. In short, I'm being reminded and taunted of my stupidity of chasing marie and dropped grades.
I feel today like a big and utter failure. My computer and e reader are both falling apart; my ex girlfriend is engaged, a guy who I absolutely envy has gotten a PhD offer (I mentioned this in a previous post) and here I am, using a two year old laptop bought with a disability grant that is falling apart and I am holding it together as it bursts at the seams. My friend has gotten a new life for himself as a researcher and scientist, and Marie's polyamorous friend who does nude photographies of herself is now a PhD scientist in cambridge.
ITS NOT FUCKING FAIR
I DESERVE THE PHD, I DESERVE IT MORE THAN ANYONE. I POSSESS THE NOBILITY AND THE WILL; THE DETERMINATION AND THE BOLDNESS, THE ORIGINALITY AND THE ARTISTIC TALENTS. I AM THE ONE WHO SPENT 8 YEARS STUDYING PIANO AND THEN ABANDONED IT. I WAS THE ONE WHO WON AWARDS, I WAS THE ONE WHO OVERCAME ADVERSITY TO GLORIOUS VICTORY
and here I am, the pathetic loser. the one who has got what was coming to him, a big dose of humble pie; a big failure, a lot of disappointment, isolation, lonliness, regret, sorrow, suffering, pain, anger, and jealousy.
In this light; the beligian PhD is my only and perhaps last hope. Do you know what? I think, I'm pretty sure actually, that I'm not going to get in. I'm pretty sure because I did shit in my MA degree; my grades were mediocre, and there are probably other elite and great people who not only deserve the funding because they got the grades; but there are other research projects that aern't in obscure areas and will attract a lot more popularity and attention.
OKAY, THERE I SAID IT.
I know I'm supposed to be all positive and affirmative. but FUCK IT. I FEEL FUCKING HOPELESS AND ANGRY.
WHY CANT I GET A FUCKING BREAK
WHY CANT ANYTHING WORK OUT FOR ME, I MUST BE DOING SOMETHING WRONG
I feel today like a big and utter failure. My computer and e reader are both falling apart; my ex girlfriend is engaged, a guy who I absolutely envy has gotten a PhD offer (I mentioned this in a previous post) and here I am, using a two year old laptop bought with a disability grant that is falling apart and I am holding it together as it bursts at the seams. My friend has gotten a new life for himself as a researcher and scientist, and Marie's polyamorous friend who does nude photographies of herself is now a PhD scientist in cambridge.
ITS NOT FUCKING FAIR
I DESERVE THE PHD, I DESERVE IT MORE THAN ANYONE. I POSSESS THE NOBILITY AND THE WILL; THE DETERMINATION AND THE BOLDNESS, THE ORIGINALITY AND THE ARTISTIC TALENTS. I AM THE ONE WHO SPENT 8 YEARS STUDYING PIANO AND THEN ABANDONED IT. I WAS THE ONE WHO WON AWARDS, I WAS THE ONE WHO OVERCAME ADVERSITY TO GLORIOUS VICTORY
and here I am, the pathetic loser. the one who has got what was coming to him, a big dose of humble pie; a big failure, a lot of disappointment, isolation, lonliness, regret, sorrow, suffering, pain, anger, and jealousy.
In this light; the beligian PhD is my only and perhaps last hope. Do you know what? I think, I'm pretty sure actually, that I'm not going to get in. I'm pretty sure because I did shit in my MA degree; my grades were mediocre, and there are probably other elite and great people who not only deserve the funding because they got the grades; but there are other research projects that aern't in obscure areas and will attract a lot more popularity and attention.
OKAY, THERE I SAID IT.
I know I'm supposed to be all positive and affirmative. but FUCK IT. I FEEL FUCKING HOPELESS AND ANGRY.
WHY CANT I GET A FUCKING BREAK
WHY CANT ANYTHING WORK OUT FOR ME, I MUST BE DOING SOMETHING WRONG
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