And...rest.
Pauses in music are powerful. Silences can be powerful, more so than noise itself. John cage achieves this in 4'33''. Silences, and pause allows for the chaos to sink in; for the hectic to be understood; and for the interpreter, the historian, the exegete to do their work.
I'm taking a pose from my job hunt to pause for two reasons. Well maybe three, but one is based on the two.
1. I got a call from my advisor, interrupting my flow. I was listening to some polish black metal while applying for a job and I found myself in quite a good routine. I then get a call that my advisor (away from the office) wants me to apply to a data entry job that I may be qualified to.
The more i think about it; I have never normally considered that my ICT skills would be the main part of my job. I spent most of my life in front of a comptuer and on the internet; I've done so maybe since I was 10-11. It is partly to cope with loneliness, partly my arousal nature, partly a way of overcoming my disability and finding greater experession to my humanity (like this blog).
The advisor wants me in for a data entry job that sounds fairly technical and may be a stretch of my usual job role. So I'm on a phone call and feeling anxious because I am being directed to a job that basically moves me beyond my normal job hunt schedule: it's something more to do. As the phone call ends; I feel a little angst, but perhaps manageable.
2. I think to myself that recovering from depression and anxiety problems is not so much a matter of breaking free of it; but rather, learning, like a normal human being, how to cope. Learning not that life gets better by means of all your problems going away and going off in a swiss sunset living happily ever after; but that some problems still stay in your life and never go away; but in order to live happily we must accept it as part of our lives and thigns to deal with and cope with reasonably.
I may never stop being anxious, but I can get better at learning how to cope with it when it does happen.
Then It gets a little worse
3. Do you remember that arts job I just sent a followup email to? well; I didn't get it. Its not because they didn't like me. Apparently, I was too qualified and they wanted someone more 'junior' and 'ghetto' who would not have as much familiarity with the arts. They want some life swap channel 4 guy who has no background to make an interest intersting odd couple of a job.
The contrast, however; was not the specification that I suited. I was too cultured with my music background of singing tavener's 'lamb' at westminster cathederal; of writing programme notes on one of the local black 19thC composers in my area for my music recital; for writing essays on philosophical aesthetics and their relation to token works of sexual beauty. I'm a little angry, I'm a little disappointed. I'm a little anxious (for the reasons of 1-2) and its all a mix of feelings.
Perhaps its a token of recovery that I do not hide away and think its the end of the world after every missed oppurtunity. Today I woke up hoping for one job; knowing there is a prospect of another through the interview next week; and a further prospect of work experience with the police. This morning I had those three things to look for; and now there were two.
As I went back to the desk where the computer was, I paused my angst ridden polish black metal playing in my ears. Angst doesn't feel very good when you actually feel angst. I think that real angst sounds not like heavy metal, but a purer, more sophisticated form of sound; like schoenberg, or perhaps the most dissonant natural aura of them all: silence.
Silence judges you. Silence captures you. Silence is everything. Silence is nothing. Silence is the cold air of isolation and yet the stuffy odour of frustrated overactivity.
Silence is deafening; silence is healing. Silence is caring; silence is blind.
Pauses in music are powerful. Silences can be powerful, more so than noise itself. John cage achieves this in 4'33''. Silences, and pause allows for the chaos to sink in; for the hectic to be understood; and for the interpreter, the historian, the exegete to do their work.
I'm taking a pose from my job hunt to pause for two reasons. Well maybe three, but one is based on the two.
1. I got a call from my advisor, interrupting my flow. I was listening to some polish black metal while applying for a job and I found myself in quite a good routine. I then get a call that my advisor (away from the office) wants me to apply to a data entry job that I may be qualified to.
The more i think about it; I have never normally considered that my ICT skills would be the main part of my job. I spent most of my life in front of a comptuer and on the internet; I've done so maybe since I was 10-11. It is partly to cope with loneliness, partly my arousal nature, partly a way of overcoming my disability and finding greater experession to my humanity (like this blog).
The advisor wants me in for a data entry job that sounds fairly technical and may be a stretch of my usual job role. So I'm on a phone call and feeling anxious because I am being directed to a job that basically moves me beyond my normal job hunt schedule: it's something more to do. As the phone call ends; I feel a little angst, but perhaps manageable.
2. I think to myself that recovering from depression and anxiety problems is not so much a matter of breaking free of it; but rather, learning, like a normal human being, how to cope. Learning not that life gets better by means of all your problems going away and going off in a swiss sunset living happily ever after; but that some problems still stay in your life and never go away; but in order to live happily we must accept it as part of our lives and thigns to deal with and cope with reasonably.
I may never stop being anxious, but I can get better at learning how to cope with it when it does happen.
Then It gets a little worse
3. Do you remember that arts job I just sent a followup email to? well; I didn't get it. Its not because they didn't like me. Apparently, I was too qualified and they wanted someone more 'junior' and 'ghetto' who would not have as much familiarity with the arts. They want some life swap channel 4 guy who has no background to make an interest intersting odd couple of a job.
The contrast, however; was not the specification that I suited. I was too cultured with my music background of singing tavener's 'lamb' at westminster cathederal; of writing programme notes on one of the local black 19thC composers in my area for my music recital; for writing essays on philosophical aesthetics and their relation to token works of sexual beauty. I'm a little angry, I'm a little disappointed. I'm a little anxious (for the reasons of 1-2) and its all a mix of feelings.
Perhaps its a token of recovery that I do not hide away and think its the end of the world after every missed oppurtunity. Today I woke up hoping for one job; knowing there is a prospect of another through the interview next week; and a further prospect of work experience with the police. This morning I had those three things to look for; and now there were two.
As I went back to the desk where the computer was, I paused my angst ridden polish black metal playing in my ears. Angst doesn't feel very good when you actually feel angst. I think that real angst sounds not like heavy metal, but a purer, more sophisticated form of sound; like schoenberg, or perhaps the most dissonant natural aura of them all: silence.
Silence judges you. Silence captures you. Silence is everything. Silence is nothing. Silence is the cold air of isolation and yet the stuffy odour of frustrated overactivity.
Silence is deafening; silence is healing. Silence is caring; silence is blind.
No comments:
Post a Comment