trigger poem

i'm all alone.
in the silent room
the ambient fan
of my overworked computer
is the only companion I have

mia is beside me
as I am beside myself
i see remnants of friendships
lingering on as present ones

friends stay in contact
thats what good people do
but im not the same person
the person they made friends with

time changes people
for better and worse
for me the latter
in my life former
i was a different person

im so lonely
i have no one to hide behind
no 'thing' to be eccentric about
no face to crawl behind
in this room i am truly me
and I am restrained

perhap's that's self restraint
perhaps it is humility
perhaps the scream i long for has no place
it does not aid me at all

nor would two fingers
plunged deep into my throat
i only have myself
to blame, to hate
but most importantly, to live for

in the edge of sanity
on the border of destruction
it seems i am losing the fight
the seas batter the boat
but if i stay afloat
if i hold and not evacuate
i may find another sunny day
in which life shines again

for this I hope,
but for it I do not live for
for things may be worse still
and its better to be prepared for that

for now i go on,
there are lots of things i can do
it seems that i've planned ahead
for the next half month at least

life seems to be a struggle
and it is often a challenge
perhaps this is my test
to be a better person

i am more than clear of my flaws
i am sailing along despite them
i am realising a few more
and setting forth to go on

perhaps this is just a hitch
perhaps this is just a bump
in an otherwise difficult life
i just wish it rewarded

friends can be there for you and life can be good
but expect to be alone,
and things not working as it would
expect life not to be easy
expect life not to be fair
try to move forward despite this
and you will be stronger than wood

i know that i am different
perhaps its because of times like now
when mortal men suffer most
less painful times can chide them

if there is anything to be said for yourself
it is your resolve in difficult times past
if there is something to be said for now
it would be that same thing

as life goes on
as loves fly past
you are just not fitting in
or successful or happy
but one day it may change
and for that you must prepare
for when other empires end,
yours will be going steady