I've mentioned in past posts that I can often feel in a state of 'stupour'. That is the only word that I can think of that matches to how it feels. I feel like my thoughts, my motivations and my intentions become, during this state of stupour, 'fuzzy'. This sounds very unclear and I displike using such terminology or descriptions but this is my best attempt to explain how it feels.
I feel this mental suffocation that hinders my motivation, my aspirations, my want to push myself and my want to go further. In these states, I often go and watch TV and snack myself silly, or masturbate; just to feel something, anything at all that feels 'pure' and 'clear' that which I can escape this unclear and fuzzy sense of semi-existence.
Is it related to my depression? I am not sure.
Within this state of stupour, I feel that I do not challenge myself nor do I have the dispositions to be the person that I want to be.
I have a feeling that this feeling of stupour is related to the fact that I am living under my parent's roof. My parents are flawed people. I see their flaws but I feel that I've come to accept them. The old me, who was bullimic, didn't accept these flaws, I called them up on it and brought it to the light of a conversation. The ways in which people react to flaws interests me. It reminds me of how I react to my own flaws.
Today I decided to do something different. I felt in this state of stupour. I thought about the reasons why I was feeling this way. I felt dirty and that often doesn't help my state of mind. I went for a shower and had a shave, and attended to my personal hygiene. I felt that this was the first good step toward eradicating my stupour.
I decided to put on clothes to go outside. I came to the realisation that this feeling of stupour consists of my lack of attendance to those issues that I otherwise find pressing and important. I decided to go for a walk, I considered it as a spiritual excercise. I would go with no precise intentions or outcomes. I thought that I would walk to my old school, or the posh villagey side of town. I thought about going to the used book shop where I bought my first Aristotle. I then realised that many of my decisions when going out revolved around excercising my consumer muscle. I felt ashamed at that. My life, and the lives of so many around me, have been reduced to the capitalist fetishisation. As it happens, I went shopping.
I know. I'm pretty inconsistent, right?
I bought the following items, I deem these items as an extension of my personal expression, and for utilitarian functions. I bought some music, Kodaly, Schubert, Brahms, I bought a play 'a streetcar named desire', I bought some incense and a book on aromatherapy. Actually I just wanted the music, but the charity shop had a minimum spending amount for using a debit card and I didn't have any cash, so go figure. I went to boots ad bought insect repellant spray, because, quite simply, i've been meaning to purchase some for a while and I followed up that intention with an action. I also bought some dentistry items, I bought tooth floss with this extended handle that means I dont have to dig into my mouth to use it. I also bought some things that remove plaque, and a mirror. I bought some shaving gel because, quite simply, I am running out and I hate using that chavvy gillette foam that my dad uses. Lastly I purchased a tongue scraper. I've always been curious so I got one. I hope that doesn't sound like too much of an indulgent set of purchases. It wasn't cheap though. Well, the music was.
During that walk I discovered a lot of things about myself. I went outside without an intention. I thought that was a philosophical point in itself. As I walked around, I discovered things about myself, as I paced down the streets it was like going down avenues in my mind. Places that exist inside me that perhaps I may not like, or other places that I have forgotten, and others that I have ignored. I have decided to be a little more assertive and attempt to not be so powerless. I used to be someone important. Who am I now? I do not know. But I need to act.
I feel this mental suffocation that hinders my motivation, my aspirations, my want to push myself and my want to go further. In these states, I often go and watch TV and snack myself silly, or masturbate; just to feel something, anything at all that feels 'pure' and 'clear' that which I can escape this unclear and fuzzy sense of semi-existence.
Is it related to my depression? I am not sure.
Within this state of stupour, I feel that I do not challenge myself nor do I have the dispositions to be the person that I want to be.
I have a feeling that this feeling of stupour is related to the fact that I am living under my parent's roof. My parents are flawed people. I see their flaws but I feel that I've come to accept them. The old me, who was bullimic, didn't accept these flaws, I called them up on it and brought it to the light of a conversation. The ways in which people react to flaws interests me. It reminds me of how I react to my own flaws.
Today I decided to do something different. I felt in this state of stupour. I thought about the reasons why I was feeling this way. I felt dirty and that often doesn't help my state of mind. I went for a shower and had a shave, and attended to my personal hygiene. I felt that this was the first good step toward eradicating my stupour.
I decided to put on clothes to go outside. I came to the realisation that this feeling of stupour consists of my lack of attendance to those issues that I otherwise find pressing and important. I decided to go for a walk, I considered it as a spiritual excercise. I would go with no precise intentions or outcomes. I thought that I would walk to my old school, or the posh villagey side of town. I thought about going to the used book shop where I bought my first Aristotle. I then realised that many of my decisions when going out revolved around excercising my consumer muscle. I felt ashamed at that. My life, and the lives of so many around me, have been reduced to the capitalist fetishisation. As it happens, I went shopping.
I know. I'm pretty inconsistent, right?
I bought the following items, I deem these items as an extension of my personal expression, and for utilitarian functions. I bought some music, Kodaly, Schubert, Brahms, I bought a play 'a streetcar named desire', I bought some incense and a book on aromatherapy. Actually I just wanted the music, but the charity shop had a minimum spending amount for using a debit card and I didn't have any cash, so go figure. I went to boots ad bought insect repellant spray, because, quite simply, i've been meaning to purchase some for a while and I followed up that intention with an action. I also bought some dentistry items, I bought tooth floss with this extended handle that means I dont have to dig into my mouth to use it. I also bought some things that remove plaque, and a mirror. I bought some shaving gel because, quite simply, I am running out and I hate using that chavvy gillette foam that my dad uses. Lastly I purchased a tongue scraper. I've always been curious so I got one. I hope that doesn't sound like too much of an indulgent set of purchases. It wasn't cheap though. Well, the music was.
During that walk I discovered a lot of things about myself. I went outside without an intention. I thought that was a philosophical point in itself. As I walked around, I discovered things about myself, as I paced down the streets it was like going down avenues in my mind. Places that exist inside me that perhaps I may not like, or other places that I have forgotten, and others that I have ignored. I have decided to be a little more assertive and attempt to not be so powerless. I used to be someone important. Who am I now? I do not know. But I need to act.
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