Lately, after seeing a very slutty picture of my ex on facebook; i've been masturbating and thinking about her. Such an activity makes me quite emotional. Antonia has left a big gap in my life. I want someone else to fill it. It's silly isn't it. I'm engaging in the fallacious behaviours and emotional patterns that I thought I was above.
I hear a lot of cats fighting today. My neighbour informedme that it is related tot the fox problem in the area. Cats are fighting a lot more in recent days. I wish I had a better explanation than the foxes. In the past couple of days I've been chatting to this new girl on MSN. She's lovely, she's also tortured unfortunately; but she's a beautiful soul. I think if circumstances were different I'd definately get closer to her.
I'm not used to talking to girls, in fact I have very little relevant human experiences. I'm presently listening to Paul Hindemith, its dissonant lieder style seems to express the angst and its contrapunctal melodies express the various binds that pull me in different directions; all of them bad directions.
So today, I have an interview. I ought to have breakfast, maybe. My weight is 232.6 today. I'm not sure if that's improvement. I feel that despite my efforts jogging, I am losing the battle for losing weight. It's a depressing through given all my efforts in recent days. My job hunting has also been at an all time low. I've applied at a rate of about 1 a day. That's not enough. 5 A day would satisfice.
I'm also waiting for news on my PhD application. It's frustrating to say the least. I'm supposed to know in just over a month if my fate is sealed. Please tell me, lord if I have a chance.
I want a better life for myself. I don't want to live with my parents and masturbate into a pillow for the rest of my life. I want a better computer, maybe an XBox; I'd love to have a car, or a motorcycle; I'd love to have lots of fancy clothes. I'd love to be a better person too.
It looks very dark and bleak today, a distant memory of what was a brililantly sunny day. Call it pathetic fallacy, or just call it a shit day. I better put my trousers on and prepare for the interview.
So, lets summarise the fun things of yesterday:
1. I applied to one job, admin assistant at the city of london
2. I did a fair few job searches
3. I prepared for my interview, I had a hitch with trying to make a writing sample. I made it through eventually.
4. I booked an appointment with the dental hospital. I'm going for an assessment to get my tooth taken out in a couple of weeks.
5. I was invited to a phone interview.
6. I trained for 50 minutes yesterday and went over 4.5k in under an hour. Not bad, I have a fair amount to work on. Perhaps when I can do 10k in around an hour I will have a great level of fitness.
Prospects of today:
1. JSA will be (hopefully) paid in today
2. Telephone interview for paid internship
3. Interview for unpaid internship
4. Anything else I get done today will be a nice bonus.
On the one hand I have not posted much about myself on this blog/journal, but on the other hand I find myself despierately needing someone to talk to. I feel very isolated and alone and I have a distinct feeling that life is passing me by so quickly. I'm going to be 24 next month and I have so little to show fo my life.
I feel in no small way that my life is a failure. I feel that I am underachieving and because I'm not in school or university with no one to 'care'; I'm just let alone to rot away in a gradual decline.
I certainly sound awfully positive today don't I! I'm sorry, you are the only person I really have to talk to. I'm always pretending to be someone else when I am with other people; even with my family, my ex, my best friends. Perhaps its only a complete stranger whom I can be most open with. Or no one at all (thus I blog).
I started a new music playlist yesterday. I'm going to miss listening Glenn Gould when that old playlist ends, I felt at home there. My new playlist is much more eclectic, and not exaclty in the way that I like, either. It was nice to listen to Glenn Gould; it was like revisiting an old friend who taught me and saw me grow. Like meeting my old music teacher. I miss my old school, they made me a wonderful man. I just wish I did more to honour their efforts to educate me. I've disappointed them.
I'm feeling very tender and scared emotionally of late. My feelings are rising to the surface. I think that this should be to be a good sign. I'm lonely. Someone please save me.
I hear a lot of cats fighting today. My neighbour informedme that it is related tot the fox problem in the area. Cats are fighting a lot more in recent days. I wish I had a better explanation than the foxes. In the past couple of days I've been chatting to this new girl on MSN. She's lovely, she's also tortured unfortunately; but she's a beautiful soul. I think if circumstances were different I'd definately get closer to her.
I'm not used to talking to girls, in fact I have very little relevant human experiences. I'm presently listening to Paul Hindemith, its dissonant lieder style seems to express the angst and its contrapunctal melodies express the various binds that pull me in different directions; all of them bad directions.
So today, I have an interview. I ought to have breakfast, maybe. My weight is 232.6 today. I'm not sure if that's improvement. I feel that despite my efforts jogging, I am losing the battle for losing weight. It's a depressing through given all my efforts in recent days. My job hunting has also been at an all time low. I've applied at a rate of about 1 a day. That's not enough. 5 A day would satisfice.
I'm also waiting for news on my PhD application. It's frustrating to say the least. I'm supposed to know in just over a month if my fate is sealed. Please tell me, lord if I have a chance.
I want a better life for myself. I don't want to live with my parents and masturbate into a pillow for the rest of my life. I want a better computer, maybe an XBox; I'd love to have a car, or a motorcycle; I'd love to have lots of fancy clothes. I'd love to be a better person too.
It looks very dark and bleak today, a distant memory of what was a brililantly sunny day. Call it pathetic fallacy, or just call it a shit day. I better put my trousers on and prepare for the interview.
So, lets summarise the fun things of yesterday:
1. I applied to one job, admin assistant at the city of london
2. I did a fair few job searches
3. I prepared for my interview, I had a hitch with trying to make a writing sample. I made it through eventually.
4. I booked an appointment with the dental hospital. I'm going for an assessment to get my tooth taken out in a couple of weeks.
5. I was invited to a phone interview.
6. I trained for 50 minutes yesterday and went over 4.5k in under an hour. Not bad, I have a fair amount to work on. Perhaps when I can do 10k in around an hour I will have a great level of fitness.
Prospects of today:
1. JSA will be (hopefully) paid in today
2. Telephone interview for paid internship
3. Interview for unpaid internship
4. Anything else I get done today will be a nice bonus.
On the one hand I have not posted much about myself on this blog/journal, but on the other hand I find myself despierately needing someone to talk to. I feel very isolated and alone and I have a distinct feeling that life is passing me by so quickly. I'm going to be 24 next month and I have so little to show fo my life.
I feel in no small way that my life is a failure. I feel that I am underachieving and because I'm not in school or university with no one to 'care'; I'm just let alone to rot away in a gradual decline.
I certainly sound awfully positive today don't I! I'm sorry, you are the only person I really have to talk to. I'm always pretending to be someone else when I am with other people; even with my family, my ex, my best friends. Perhaps its only a complete stranger whom I can be most open with. Or no one at all (thus I blog).
I started a new music playlist yesterday. I'm going to miss listening Glenn Gould when that old playlist ends, I felt at home there. My new playlist is much more eclectic, and not exaclty in the way that I like, either. It was nice to listen to Glenn Gould; it was like revisiting an old friend who taught me and saw me grow. Like meeting my old music teacher. I miss my old school, they made me a wonderful man. I just wish I did more to honour their efforts to educate me. I've disappointed them.
I'm feeling very tender and scared emotionally of late. My feelings are rising to the surface. I think that this should be to be a good sign. I'm lonely. Someone please save me.
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