catharsis

I was playing the piano just earlier. I started off with my old repetoire. I moved from the slow practising to the faster, and then just working on technique. I then improvised and played around on the keyboard. I then practiced my infamous d minor rach etude. I cried a bit, I cried a lot. The intense feeling of emotion and naked introspection. I was brought to tears with a feeling that resembles some kind of emotional insight or clarity of self.

What did I see in myself? I see a fundamental narragive, a battle for adequacy. I feel constantly inferior and that I'm never good enough. When will I ever be good enough? When will I ever get better? When can I be 'the real me'and when will I be 'there' in the exact place that I want.

I felt the emotional strength of the piece. Emotional expression seems so complex and through music the expression uses no words, and in doing so expresses something with great ambiguity in that we can interpret what we want from those sounds) and direct; insofar as it seems to be the expression of pure emotion. Unbridled by words or thought.

I wept, I held on for a moment, as I felt the warmth within me. I cried because of so many things. I rarely actually cry. I may feel upset, or low, but never do those pure feelings of weeping come out. It felt almost orgasmic in how all-encompassing it was. Feeling the tears dry on my face, falling down my cheek, and the body heat escape my body. It was like I was embracing some long-ignored emotional part of me. Perhaps I can only find expression through the piano.

Words are not very good tools for me. Music is like a blanket of warmth, comfort and my loud speakerphone from which I can scream all the things inside me; and yet, it is ambiguous. I can say the purest things of my heart's content and yetnot be understood of the nuances in my mind. I feel so inferior.

So, as I got back to my computer after a practicing session, facebook tells me that a friend of mine got accepted for a PhD. I thought two things, firstly: nice one, mate. Secondly: when will it happen for me? When will I get my break? I'm a little jealous, but this boy deserves what he gets. The thing that scares me is that maybe I'm getting exactly what I deserved all along: misfortune.

I want things to be better for me; but when will I be worthy of grace. when will I be good enough?

I want to be good enough. I have always been passed over for someone else. Girls, PhDs, life oppurtunities. When Will I get what I want? when will I get what I need....