i know you are a stranger and i dont know why i'm bringing all this baggage to the fore.
my ex got engaged. within a week of being in a new relationship.
So, i'm a little upset, and distressed, and lonely, and sad, and angry at myself, and i feel inadequate, and inferior, and useless, and empty.
and fat.
so, when i wake up tomorrow morning. I'm going to decide to keep a productive day that i scheduled, burn calories, keep on my diet, and hope for a positive and better future, and that one of my job applications might be successful and maybe the ghent phd application will lead to an offer and i'll be thin and intelligent and glamourous and great in dinner parties and conversations as i can shift from conversations from 18thC literature to ancient history and start off with sentences like 'i'm not an expert in this area...' but expose my deep knowledge of a subject from reading a book just by coincidence a week earlier. and i'll have gorgeous long hair and a great future ahead of me.
but for now, i'm going to cry myself to sleep. maybe i'm typing this just for myself; maybe its the illusion that i'm typing this as if for another person who assumes nothing about me that i find comforting. maybe i'm just another clingy guy who has 'ex issues'.
nothing ever comes up for me. and today presents another road block. i can choose to let this bury me or i can get on, business as usual. tomorrow i will continue as i always do. i feel better sharing this with you. i dont think i could ever have admitted it so eloquently even to myself
yours
conatus
my ex got engaged. within a week of being in a new relationship.
So, i'm a little upset, and distressed, and lonely, and sad, and angry at myself, and i feel inadequate, and inferior, and useless, and empty.
and fat.
so, when i wake up tomorrow morning. I'm going to decide to keep a productive day that i scheduled, burn calories, keep on my diet, and hope for a positive and better future, and that one of my job applications might be successful and maybe the ghent phd application will lead to an offer and i'll be thin and intelligent and glamourous and great in dinner parties and conversations as i can shift from conversations from 18thC literature to ancient history and start off with sentences like 'i'm not an expert in this area...' but expose my deep knowledge of a subject from reading a book just by coincidence a week earlier. and i'll have gorgeous long hair and a great future ahead of me.
but for now, i'm going to cry myself to sleep. maybe i'm typing this just for myself; maybe its the illusion that i'm typing this as if for another person who assumes nothing about me that i find comforting. maybe i'm just another clingy guy who has 'ex issues'.
nothing ever comes up for me. and today presents another road block. i can choose to let this bury me or i can get on, business as usual. tomorrow i will continue as i always do. i feel better sharing this with you. i dont think i could ever have admitted it so eloquently even to myself
yours
conatus
No comments:
Post a Comment