It's been a long time since I've stepped foot in a church, less alone going out of my own volition.
Yesterday I had a really really bad trigger. I had a big purge and then the trigger. When the trigger happened I thought to myself: "Well I'm going on empty so I can't purge..."
Then I got upset and hid away in my room. I woke up quite early, around 5:30, but then I got up about 6. I masturbated for a while and then had breakfast of leftover cod fillet and potato wedges in the oven. I counted the claories and they seem quite healthy for a breakfast. I watched some star trek and then I considered a jog. I went for a one hour session of calisthenics.
After my trigger last night I felt that I was in no mindset to listen to depressive black metal. For me, depressive black metal is what I listen to when I'm not feeling depressed. When I'm really really down, sad is not really the word I can use. I can't really describe it. After all these years I can never capture how it feels, the desperation, imminence of suffering..
Anyway, today is a new day and by lazy standards I just woke up (but I've really been up nearly 6 hours). My head is throbbing (probably relating to purging) and my half-tooth hurts like hell. I've just taken a cocktail of supplements and painkillers (i count 13 tablets in all) which should tide me over.
Here's what I imagine to happen for a better future:
1. More friends
2. A new life
3. A new body
4. A better personality
5. A job
6. more money
7. A PhD
It was nice going to church. Especially on my own. I wish the experience were a bit more solitary. The organist was shit too. But I did feel that I got something out of it.
Today decides my future, my attitude and my body. I jogged about 433 KCal today and as of yet I've kept a low cal balance. I gained weight between yesterday and today, and I'm not too happy about that. I haven't been shitting as much in the past 3 days and I'm expecting a really big one coming up. I wonder if it will all come out at once or will be a painful one that makes me almost feel a spiritual experience due to the pain.
At the moment my head is hurting quite a bit and I feel my thoughts and concentration a bit slower. I think that mia is to blame for that. Alas, since today is the first 'free' day I've had in about seven days I think that I will make some positive use for it. Positive. I forgot that word.
My other thoughts today have led to the poor woman who died last week. I can't imagine what her family are thinking or feeling on good friday. My family are quite dedicated catholics.
Onwards and forwards
Yesterday I had a really really bad trigger. I had a big purge and then the trigger. When the trigger happened I thought to myself: "Well I'm going on empty so I can't purge..."
Then I got upset and hid away in my room. I woke up quite early, around 5:30, but then I got up about 6. I masturbated for a while and then had breakfast of leftover cod fillet and potato wedges in the oven. I counted the claories and they seem quite healthy for a breakfast. I watched some star trek and then I considered a jog. I went for a one hour session of calisthenics.
After my trigger last night I felt that I was in no mindset to listen to depressive black metal. For me, depressive black metal is what I listen to when I'm not feeling depressed. When I'm really really down, sad is not really the word I can use. I can't really describe it. After all these years I can never capture how it feels, the desperation, imminence of suffering..
Anyway, today is a new day and by lazy standards I just woke up (but I've really been up nearly 6 hours). My head is throbbing (probably relating to purging) and my half-tooth hurts like hell. I've just taken a cocktail of supplements and painkillers (i count 13 tablets in all) which should tide me over.
Here's what I imagine to happen for a better future:
1. More friends
2. A new life
3. A new body
4. A better personality
5. A job
6. more money
7. A PhD
It was nice going to church. Especially on my own. I wish the experience were a bit more solitary. The organist was shit too. But I did feel that I got something out of it.
Today decides my future, my attitude and my body. I jogged about 433 KCal today and as of yet I've kept a low cal balance. I gained weight between yesterday and today, and I'm not too happy about that. I haven't been shitting as much in the past 3 days and I'm expecting a really big one coming up. I wonder if it will all come out at once or will be a painful one that makes me almost feel a spiritual experience due to the pain.
At the moment my head is hurting quite a bit and I feel my thoughts and concentration a bit slower. I think that mia is to blame for that. Alas, since today is the first 'free' day I've had in about seven days I think that I will make some positive use for it. Positive. I forgot that word.
My other thoughts today have led to the poor woman who died last week. I can't imagine what her family are thinking or feeling on good friday. My family are quite dedicated catholics.
Onwards and forwards
No comments:
Post a Comment