226.8

Yesterday was an emotionally challenging day. As I got back to REED, I had a long wait. I then found a number of factors that gave me a sense of anxiety, lack of control, unease and worry all in different measures:

• My oyster card cracked
• My oyster balance is low (which ties in to the next issue)
• My bank balance is low
• I am overdue a JSA payment or two
• The Job Centre Plus does not seem to ever want to co operate with me, or make things easy for me; they make me on the verge of poverty until I can get another payment; and they probably have made ANOTHER mistake in order to get me to this position
• The guys at reed are starting t o wear me down. My cheery disposition does not last for long.
  
• There was a guy with a stupid accent who told the advisor guy to fuck off and challenged him to a fight. At first seeing and hearing this made me feel a bit amused, but then eventually the real implications of what he said and his frustrations I found distinctly and resoundingly relevant to my own deep feelings. So that was a trigger of sorts
• Being physically tired led me to be emotionally worn down
• I don't have enough money to fully travel this week
• The people I had to share yesterday's course with made me feel uncomfortable; they were unsavoury, rude, unintelligent and unrefined. In short they were people who were hopeless to get a job. And I shared words with them. i found yesterday a challenge on my patience; a big challenge.

So, the plan for today:

1. Gather up coins to exchange for money in sainsburys
2. Call Job Centre Plus Regarding payment situation
3. Call Job Centre Plus regarding bus pass reduction
4. Go to Ophalmologist
5. Call to book GP Appointment
6. Go to REED (after hospital appointment)
7. Upload CV to USB port
8. Come home and sleep.

Positives:

• I lost weight: My current (post stool) weight is 226.9lbs. I know weight will fluctuate up inevitably, but this is a good start. I didn't eat much yesterday, I'll make a habit of that while I'm at REED :)
• The guy at REED suggested that he will make contact with a publisher who works for New Scientist. Given their publication run, and my interest in popular science, this sounds like a very very neat oppurtunity. Arts graduate = publishing, a match made in conformist heaven (a PhD would be nicer , though)
• I can have more time to work on my Applications now that I have afternoon sessions with REED. This promises for more productive days, as well as a greater yield with job hunting.

My wishes for the future:

1. I wish my money situation would be better
2. I wish I had a job
3. I wish I had a PhD
4. I wish I was thinner
5. I wish I had a social life (depends upon 1,4)
6. I wish I wasn't lonely (depends upon 1,4,5,)
7. I want to be happy with myself (depends on 1,2/3,4,5, maybe 6)
8. I want to be a better person
9. I want to be happy (dare I say that? yeah why not, I mentioned PhD...)

Okay, I'm going to forego my morning wank (whaat!) to start on my day. The phone calls start at 9am and I need to be at the GP by 10am. Time is tight with lots to do.

End post time 7:59.