after a lot of beef yesterday, I am surprised to find that my weight has gone down. I have half the mind to do a jog this morning to the library. I have decided to spent 5-6 hours there a day. I'm sending off an application by post this morning and I'll pack a lunch as well. I've started the morning by a banana and a cup of tea, I had about three mindless wanks this morning and I came feeling quite sore. Since my shower was yesterday the dick smell isn't strong, yet. Cash is low right now. I think that I will wear my knee supports today to give me some relief.
I'm also thinking about heading off to the local environmental group meeting. I think that I'll give it a miss this month. It's not urgent. Two years ago involve anniversaries of sorts. Of when I met and feel in love with my first girlfriend. I feel sad and mourn her absence. She's moved on with her life. I'm stuck alone in my self-resentment, stagnated and abandoned. No one really cares, but they care enough just if they notice I'm gone. I am, in the words of Rambo; extendable. I thought that I'd avoid purging as my throat is killing me. Purging and drinking are also incompatible, so if I had any intentions to drink purging would be a bad Idea.
As I type I am going on with my morning ritual. On the one hand I regret all the things that have come to pass and I imagine that any little different decision would have made it better. What if I killed myself in 2006? What if I stayed with Antonia? What if I ignored Marie's attention; would I never have ended up with Antonia, got my mind fucked by Marie and been in a PhD in the second year of my project?
A religious and spiritual part of me wants to think just for the consolation (albiet empty) that maybe all of this yucky life-ness will lead to an optimal situation where everything will be of the best possible world. I don't think that will happen, however. I've got my book review to catch up with today. Maybe I'll do 6 hours today and tomorrow at the library, finishing off on Thursday for 4 hours. Maybe that will keep me honest.
The job centre is a grind. Life is a grind. Grinding me down from being proud of myself to hating everything, filled with bitterness I become the corrupted adam. There's so much that I want to say on here. I know that my thoughts are truncated, feeble, inconsistent, short and do not follow from one another. But I feel that if I let it all out on you maybe I'll feel better.
Perhaps you, blog are the only thing keeping me sane. The only therapy and contemplation I have.
Unlike a friend you dont run away when things get awkward, nor do you talk back and judge me.
I wish I made more of my life. I wish I wasn't a loser. I wish limbo would end and I can get on with my real life. I wish that I were thin.
A part of me was thinking: shall I write "I wish I could be happy again", but I decided against it. I'm not interested in happiness. Happiness is like orgasm, it ends.
What I want is the never ending buzz of knowing that I am a valued human being. I want my dignity back and I want my dreams and hopes back. I better head off to the library. I'll try not to eat too much and work the calories today.
I miss being myself.
I suppose that's what I really want again, to feel like myself. The special person that I liked and that people liked. I'm not that person anymore. One day I hope to be, and it will be someone new and someone who lived through my present. That future me will hopefully have learned a lot about himself. I think that I'll clean my water bottle and allow it to dry for when I return home in a few hours.
I think that I'll be out of the house for about 7 hours. Like a day of work, except I only get £100 about twice a week. I'm gonna get out of this and pull through. I'm going to get a job worthy of a masters graduate, I'm going to write books and be recognised. I'm going to have beautiful skin and lovely hair and I'll be loved.
For now, on my own, on the frontiers of sanity; I must love myself.
Off I go.
I'm also thinking about heading off to the local environmental group meeting. I think that I'll give it a miss this month. It's not urgent. Two years ago involve anniversaries of sorts. Of when I met and feel in love with my first girlfriend. I feel sad and mourn her absence. She's moved on with her life. I'm stuck alone in my self-resentment, stagnated and abandoned. No one really cares, but they care enough just if they notice I'm gone. I am, in the words of Rambo; extendable. I thought that I'd avoid purging as my throat is killing me. Purging and drinking are also incompatible, so if I had any intentions to drink purging would be a bad Idea.
As I type I am going on with my morning ritual. On the one hand I regret all the things that have come to pass and I imagine that any little different decision would have made it better. What if I killed myself in 2006? What if I stayed with Antonia? What if I ignored Marie's attention; would I never have ended up with Antonia, got my mind fucked by Marie and been in a PhD in the second year of my project?
A religious and spiritual part of me wants to think just for the consolation (albiet empty) that maybe all of this yucky life-ness will lead to an optimal situation where everything will be of the best possible world. I don't think that will happen, however. I've got my book review to catch up with today. Maybe I'll do 6 hours today and tomorrow at the library, finishing off on Thursday for 4 hours. Maybe that will keep me honest.
The job centre is a grind. Life is a grind. Grinding me down from being proud of myself to hating everything, filled with bitterness I become the corrupted adam. There's so much that I want to say on here. I know that my thoughts are truncated, feeble, inconsistent, short and do not follow from one another. But I feel that if I let it all out on you maybe I'll feel better.
Perhaps you, blog are the only thing keeping me sane. The only therapy and contemplation I have.
Unlike a friend you dont run away when things get awkward, nor do you talk back and judge me.
I wish I made more of my life. I wish I wasn't a loser. I wish limbo would end and I can get on with my real life. I wish that I were thin.
A part of me was thinking: shall I write "I wish I could be happy again", but I decided against it. I'm not interested in happiness. Happiness is like orgasm, it ends.
What I want is the never ending buzz of knowing that I am a valued human being. I want my dignity back and I want my dreams and hopes back. I better head off to the library. I'll try not to eat too much and work the calories today.
I miss being myself.
I suppose that's what I really want again, to feel like myself. The special person that I liked and that people liked. I'm not that person anymore. One day I hope to be, and it will be someone new and someone who lived through my present. That future me will hopefully have learned a lot about himself. I think that I'll clean my water bottle and allow it to dry for when I return home in a few hours.
I think that I'll be out of the house for about 7 hours. Like a day of work, except I only get £100 about twice a week. I'm gonna get out of this and pull through. I'm going to get a job worthy of a masters graduate, I'm going to write books and be recognised. I'm going to have beautiful skin and lovely hair and I'll be loved.
For now, on my own, on the frontiers of sanity; I must love myself.
Off I go.
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