Today I have let things upset me. Yet by some strange technicality, I did achieve a little bit. When I am reminded of those days where I did absolutely nothing, I then lead my thoughts to its consequences. Today in small part is such a day. I feel isolated and alone. Because of this I seem to be thinking about Nietzsche. I find solace in the painful quietude in which Nietzsche lived, but the explosive thoughts that lay within his 'philosophy'.
This afternoon, after lunch I made a decision to lay in bed and nap for a few hours. I'm not sure why but it felt right. Upon wake I did feel a greater sense of invigoration. I did a lot of little tasks. I don't know if it matters to you to say this, but I have cleared many of the tasks over the next two weeks. All the other tasks that remain are job applications, which means I'll have no excuse, as it were. I also replied quickly to an email which meant that I got another shift this month. That makes a total of two extra shifts this month. Well, I guess there is some light at the end of the tunnel. I didn't get the job. Ahh, now I remember why I feel shit. Oh yes, as well as that a girl from Grad school is launching a conference on a topic that my PhD proposal is related to. I'm green with envy. Is it supposed to help to bring all these feelings to surface?
I'm disappointed in Sadia and Dobby, I'm disappointed that they cannot relate to me as a person. I am lonely and isolated like Armand Assante's Nietzsche character. In the story of 'When Nietzsche Wept' (a film I am preoccupied with at the moment), Nietzsche's character meets a doctor who thinks he can help him if they reverse roles. Nietzsche becomes a physician of Overbeck's mind, while Overbeck makes him open up. This story reminds me of my relationship with my counsellor, while she is more receptive than talkative, I do feel a great amount of candour.
The worst thing I felt when I woke up after my nap was mia's disappearance. Mia as a voice in my head is someone I converse with and engage with, but when I woke, it was just me. It was a realisation in a sense that I am putting up a barrier. Without the barrier mia gives me, I just feel utterly depressed and alone. It's also of note that I didn't go to the gym today, I felt very tired and I did two pretty long workouts consecutively, and the workout on sunday was also very strenuous. I allowed my body some rest, recovery and relaxation. I fell asleep with an audiobook and what an interesting book it was.
When I fill my head with ideas and thoughts I am less alone. This academic demeanour I have seems to be my only respite from the meidocrity of the world. Today I became well aware of my own inadequacy as a person. when I'm at the gym I face that inadequacy and push myself. I guess getting out of bed was enough for today. I did a few things I suppose, I went to the doctors and got some more meds; I got another shift at work; I did some reading for my book review and I read a few dozen articles.
given the time, I would allow myself to wallow tonight, for tomorrow I will not.
This afternoon, after lunch I made a decision to lay in bed and nap for a few hours. I'm not sure why but it felt right. Upon wake I did feel a greater sense of invigoration. I did a lot of little tasks. I don't know if it matters to you to say this, but I have cleared many of the tasks over the next two weeks. All the other tasks that remain are job applications, which means I'll have no excuse, as it were. I also replied quickly to an email which meant that I got another shift this month. That makes a total of two extra shifts this month. Well, I guess there is some light at the end of the tunnel. I didn't get the job. Ahh, now I remember why I feel shit. Oh yes, as well as that a girl from Grad school is launching a conference on a topic that my PhD proposal is related to. I'm green with envy. Is it supposed to help to bring all these feelings to surface?
I'm disappointed in Sadia and Dobby, I'm disappointed that they cannot relate to me as a person. I am lonely and isolated like Armand Assante's Nietzsche character. In the story of 'When Nietzsche Wept' (a film I am preoccupied with at the moment), Nietzsche's character meets a doctor who thinks he can help him if they reverse roles. Nietzsche becomes a physician of Overbeck's mind, while Overbeck makes him open up. This story reminds me of my relationship with my counsellor, while she is more receptive than talkative, I do feel a great amount of candour.
The worst thing I felt when I woke up after my nap was mia's disappearance. Mia as a voice in my head is someone I converse with and engage with, but when I woke, it was just me. It was a realisation in a sense that I am putting up a barrier. Without the barrier mia gives me, I just feel utterly depressed and alone. It's also of note that I didn't go to the gym today, I felt very tired and I did two pretty long workouts consecutively, and the workout on sunday was also very strenuous. I allowed my body some rest, recovery and relaxation. I fell asleep with an audiobook and what an interesting book it was.
When I fill my head with ideas and thoughts I am less alone. This academic demeanour I have seems to be my only respite from the meidocrity of the world. Today I became well aware of my own inadequacy as a person. when I'm at the gym I face that inadequacy and push myself. I guess getting out of bed was enough for today. I did a few things I suppose, I went to the doctors and got some more meds; I got another shift at work; I did some reading for my book review and I read a few dozen articles.
given the time, I would allow myself to wallow tonight, for tomorrow I will not.
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