A house n****er onto thine self

Dear Diary, I feel like I have a hangover. I don't really have a hangover because I have not partaken in any alcohol for the past 4-5 days or so. I'm not quite sure why I feel this way, but then again I am not quite sure why I feel the way I do for much of the time. Last night I was reminded of my isolation. I have a job interview tomorrow for some bullshit job role with a local council, it's a temp job but the pay isn't so bad I guess. I wish that I could use all my skills, I wish I could use my MA abilities and my superior intellect and my ability to memorise and challenge myself to heights of mental and social pressure beyond what most people are willing to go through. Unfortunately I am surplus to what society and the economy requires, and they just need me to dumb down to act in admin, or some customer service role. When I think about how angry this makes me it crystallises not in a thought or a feeling, but an act, the act of purging. Oh how tempting it would be to purge right now. I wish I had the gall to say I don't want to do counselling anymore, that would help my money situation a lot, and I don't really know if its helping me. I feel stuck again, I feel like nothing is happening and nothing is changing, and this is all to do with my inaction, my sense of ineptitude with sorting out my life. I had a trigger on Sunday. My brother-in-law mentioned how he sometimes works in a library to mark his students' work and sometimes there are people who are 'not well' making noise. My brother-in-law also said how it is sad that there are ever fewer places in the community for these 'not well' people to sit around or be out of their home. They were referring to mentally ill people, but not in those words. 'Not well' seems to be how my family talks about it. "Charlie isn't well" these days, they might say, "ever since he faced all those bereavements he's not been as he was before". I have an admission, I think mental illness runs deep in my family and in my ethnic community and 'community' connections. I've heard stories, often people telling my mum, or my mum telling me incidently about it. Life has been hard to many people and as I realise this, I find it has been harder to many more people than it has to me. My brother, after his album came out last year had to leave the band for undisclosed reasons, when people ask me why I make up a reason. That's also how my parents answer questions about their children, to make up for their lack of contact. I notice how my dad lies about little things to cover up for himself and his sense of sloth, my dad pretends that my sister talks to him, but they haven't talked for as long as I live. When at counselling I was asked about my family, I replied somewhat annoyed that there are no 'issues' with my family, because I didn't want to talk about them, but also I thought it was a horrible cliche that something has to affect my relationship with my mother, or some bullshit freudian idiom. I was really masking my embarrassment about how my parents are so easily willing to forget about my suicide attempt, how my dad doesn't talk to my sister and how my dad's sloth has affected every relationship in the family because we aren't allowed to talk about what happened. I'm too young to know what happened or if anything happened, and I'm just told off when I bring it up. I am suffocating here. Once I chatted to a girl a while back who said she was suffocated by her family and their conservatism and it was seriously impeding on her personal development. I thought it was terribly sad for her but I did not even have a thought that the same thing was happening to me. I've become too much of a house nigger, to society, to my family, to myself. I was reminded of something Marie said to me once, it may have been a word of wisdom, but I feel so betrayed by her it seems even unthinkable to take what she said, or anything she said seriously. Even if out of her locum it would be reasonable. I was so close to her, so influenced, and i was betrayed. In the words of my counsellor: [I've] said a lot about trust and lost today.