The day/night in backwards order

When writing this post, I do realise that it is 5am. I suppose when I type coming back from a night out, I think of the most immediate anxieties and feelings. Perhaps I should try to work backwards and give a reverse order story of my day. I went on the computer and put on the blogging program. This is only the second time I've used this program but I am confident it works. I undressed as I got home and slowly but calmly put things away without making a mess. Going home I was on the bus with some friends. Going on the bus from the party I met a drunk woman that worked (albeit soberly) at the gym. That was embarrassing.,. I also misjudged her accent. Newcastle is not Wales. Anyway, I seem preoccupied by gym lady, I guess because its so awkward to see someone who I encounter professionally. I'm on the bus stop with my mates waiting for the N bus home. I'm so lucky that its not too far away from the flat. We say our goodbyes and I encourage the guys to leave the flat. It starts to get awkward after 3am and I suggest we leave, one of the guys at the party is making me uncomfortable, and the going is good. Around midnight we start playing a drinking game, I think it made us all closer. By my admission, I find the confessional drinking game highly candid, intimate and an excercise of bonding. I also surprisingly have a lot of sexual anedotes. I was a little cautious if we guys made the girls uncomfortable. But they seemed complicit as much as we were in this game of confessional. In fairness, we heard some fucked up stories. Mine were fuck up, but others were also fucked up. The party started late, but it also ended late, it started with nice games, a few drinks, nice chatting and a fair bit of pizza and drinks (did I mention the booze?). Before getting to the party I met my pals and we had some KFC, because the food will help prevent inebriation in such an immediate way. So this is the backwards story of a night out, this was planned, to a certain degree. Let's go chronological. I woke up early, feeling energised, I decided to do the gym in the morning, I did a long session of training. Coming home, I got some news. I was informed of a bereavement. Because of the public nature of some of the people in my life and of mine, I won't say too much. This person was a mentor of mine. One whom I dearly miss. When I first found out, I cried a little. I've never cried for a person before. Something is troubling me tonight. I put my mind to somewhere different, a positive and outgoing personality to go to the party. Not necessarily a forced change, but I feel insincere to those feelings. Feeling as drunk as I do now (not ridiculously drunk), I'm an 'honest drunk' rather than an angry or sad drunk, I feel completely numb to my bereavement. I feel that I do not deserve to feel clear of this loss. Grief is a natural phenomenon, and after all the people who died last year, I deserve and am impelled to dread his loss. Its just right now, being drunk from a party, I am not. I did not drink to ignore him, or console this loss. Perhaps when sobriety comes later today, or if/when I have a crashing hangover, I will be one with my grief. This man who died, this mentor, he made me who I am in a great many aspects that were deeply personal yet show in everything I do. I did not however, show those things tonight in the party. My summary thoughts of the night: 1. What will I do when I see that woman at the gym? 2. What will I feel tomorrow? 3. I hope I didn't make an enemy of that guy at the party, he was really abrasive and uncomfortable, but to everyone. I know its not my issue but his, but when someone is like that it shifts my mood. 4. Will I sort out my ubuntu? 5. I need to sort out so much when I get up. I probably won't be able to make the gym.