Dear Diary,
What a strange life I lead, as much as I try to keep things in my control (read: isolated), things do often find a way to emotionally spiral. I got asked out again, it's not quite a date. Although the girl does have slightly flirtacious eyes towards me and I do know for a fact that she's single, looking for a guy and she has a long hair fetish. I'm almost glad that I cut my hair now, I mean, it would be longer again in a few months, but I'm slightly hoping that by the time ti's that long again I will have a much better body, thinner and all.
While on the subject, I have noticed that this influx of uncertain giddiness from my increased female attention has caused me to start binging a lot more. I don't know if its the anxiety, or perhaps something that makes my head freeze its capacity for critical thought when thinking about a girl, but I'm losing control of my eating habits. Yesterday when going to the gym, I decided not to take my wallet. It was a very clever move, like Odysseus tied to the mast. What I didn't anticipate, however, was the amount of food mum made when I got home. I tried with some success to ignore it but then 2am came and my brain shut down and I binged while watching re-runs of Peep Show, how comforting Peep show is, to be reminded of the noughties that has so distantly passed us. Amusing enough, however, I was in a terrible state of mind when I discovered Peep Show. It's a show that defines a generation, the lazy Jeremy Osbourne and the hard working albiet boring, and very unfortunately redundant loan manager, Mark Corrigan.
Yesterday I completed so much that I lacked motivation to do further, what a strange response. What I did in response to that was put 3 jobs right on my day's agenda, I applied to two and one wasn't really fitting my profile. So yesterday, the following happened:
All things considered, that's not a bad day, the binging does obscure my sense of success, however. If I keep his kind of pace up I think things will improve overall. I've said that for a few weeks now and it has brought some results: better fitness, ameeting up with girls, kissing a girl, getting asked out, a job interview next week...
I just hope, and I say this with some flippancy but also some seriousness, that I don't fill up too much of my time being a social whore. You remember what that brought you...
God, I could tell another story this week, about how all the people in my old uni have been successful: one mate I regularly chat to is a PhD student, another guy i met as a fresher is now applying to PhDs, one friend in grad school/undergrad is running a very interesting interdisciplinary conference, one former lecturer is becoming a very important speaker in the anti-cuts movement/AHRC debacle, one guy works as a successful 'civil servant' in a prestigious government department and what the fuck am I doing? I'm eating cereal with yoghurt in the morning, slowly getting ready for a short shift as a part time casual events assistant being underpaid and underskilled. I have this pessimism inside me, this sense of dread and despair. I think its important to accept that it's there as afeeling, maybe I'll embrace that feeling a bit more when I'm on the rowing machine. I wish I did more ab work yesterday. For a 90 minute workout, I did feel exceptionally tired throughout, I focussed mostly on cardio because I didn't need to strain myself as much compared to resistance training.
On with my day...Even though this day is simple and straightforward, I only have a 2 hour window to get the extra stuff done.
What a strange life I lead, as much as I try to keep things in my control (read: isolated), things do often find a way to emotionally spiral. I got asked out again, it's not quite a date. Although the girl does have slightly flirtacious eyes towards me and I do know for a fact that she's single, looking for a guy and she has a long hair fetish. I'm almost glad that I cut my hair now, I mean, it would be longer again in a few months, but I'm slightly hoping that by the time ti's that long again I will have a much better body, thinner and all.
While on the subject, I have noticed that this influx of uncertain giddiness from my increased female attention has caused me to start binging a lot more. I don't know if its the anxiety, or perhaps something that makes my head freeze its capacity for critical thought when thinking about a girl, but I'm losing control of my eating habits. Yesterday when going to the gym, I decided not to take my wallet. It was a very clever move, like Odysseus tied to the mast. What I didn't anticipate, however, was the amount of food mum made when I got home. I tried with some success to ignore it but then 2am came and my brain shut down and I binged while watching re-runs of Peep Show, how comforting Peep show is, to be reminded of the noughties that has so distantly passed us. Amusing enough, however, I was in a terrible state of mind when I discovered Peep Show. It's a show that defines a generation, the lazy Jeremy Osbourne and the hard working albiet boring, and very unfortunately redundant loan manager, Mark Corrigan.
Yesterday I completed so much that I lacked motivation to do further, what a strange response. What I did in response to that was put 3 jobs right on my day's agenda, I applied to two and one wasn't really fitting my profile. So yesterday, the following happened:
- I got asked out by Nadia
- Training
- Applied to job
- Applied to job (another)
- Job searching
All things considered, that's not a bad day, the binging does obscure my sense of success, however. If I keep his kind of pace up I think things will improve overall. I've said that for a few weeks now and it has brought some results: better fitness, ameeting up with girls, kissing a girl, getting asked out, a job interview next week...
I just hope, and I say this with some flippancy but also some seriousness, that I don't fill up too much of my time being a social whore. You remember what that brought you...
God, I could tell another story this week, about how all the people in my old uni have been successful: one mate I regularly chat to is a PhD student, another guy i met as a fresher is now applying to PhDs, one friend in grad school/undergrad is running a very interesting interdisciplinary conference, one former lecturer is becoming a very important speaker in the anti-cuts movement/AHRC debacle, one guy works as a successful 'civil servant' in a prestigious government department and what the fuck am I doing? I'm eating cereal with yoghurt in the morning, slowly getting ready for a short shift as a part time casual events assistant being underpaid and underskilled. I have this pessimism inside me, this sense of dread and despair. I think its important to accept that it's there as afeeling, maybe I'll embrace that feeling a bit more when I'm on the rowing machine. I wish I did more ab work yesterday. For a 90 minute workout, I did feel exceptionally tired throughout, I focussed mostly on cardio because I didn't need to strain myself as much compared to resistance training.
On with my day...Even though this day is simple and straightforward, I only have a 2 hour window to get the extra stuff done.
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