bed thoughts

I'm upset, when I get upset I feel like going to bed. When I go to bed I just lay there, I let feelings succumb me, and I enter places in my memories and thoughts that I do not normally allow myself to go to. These I suppose you might conventionally call depressive thoughts, but these thoughts are also irresistable. It must sound strange for an outsider to understand this. These thoughts are like an indulgence, telling me what I want to hear, fulfilling me even though they are filled with self loathing and sorrows. Because it is an indulgence I feel a motivation to avoid going to bed right now, but I also know that this counter-rationalisation is difficult to go against this indulgent rationality, a forteriori, I also am less productive, slower in my thinking and actions when I feel this way. I'm trying to justify it like its a good thing. Going to bed and just laying there is what destroyed me. I had a feeling, a trigger, a realisation. I know that if I explore this thought it will only make me more upset, but I also feel that not exploring it is a form of denial, a form of illusion to the truth, like how people confabulate that tehy are happy with their girlfriends, but really they have no other person to love them.