Good Afternoon.
Today the sun is out and bright, like a summer or spring morning. It's beautiful and it brings a certain sense of warmth and quiet joy to me. The weather of summer is one thing to look forward to. It's still technically winter andthere is very likely still quite a lot more cold before the warm months come. Still, this is the warmest its been in months: the current temperature is just under 9 degrees.
I have other associations with the sumer, many are not so plesant. Flip flops and dirty teenaged feet, when I started university and I felt sweaty and isolated. I was a social outcast because I wasn't good at making friends, it's also true to say that there weren't many people who were good at befriending me as well. People at uni were distinctly selfish, I guess that's why I invested so much into my friends from sixth form. I hated the juxtaposition of having very few friends at uni and having relatively many at school when I went back home.
In the summer of 2004, not much happened. I didn't go out like crazy and have sex or lose my virginity or have the summer of my life. That was largely due to my own inaction. The days and weeks passed, I just waited to be asked out by friends. I always waited for things to happen and nothing ever happens that way. I had a soundtrack for the late summer which I kept listening to all through late August and early September: Queen's 'Princes of the Universe' and the MacGyver theme. I watched a lot of TV and I thought MacGyver was fairly amusing and random, I listened to music largely on the basis of novelty. I watched films a lot on the basis of novelty. I was trying to be the funny one so much that I didn't have much of a personality. I guess that's why no one wanted to be my friend.
"Nothing like a little melancholy to make a boy attractive", a girl once said to me last year. Funny enough she's right, at least in my case. I was more interesting because of what i suffered. I liked the 'Princes of the Universe' song because it was the intro to the TV Highlander series with sexy British heartthrob Adrian Paul. I really liked his good looks and his slim body and his ponytail. I think subconsciously he's one of the people who influenced my own little ponytail. I used to watch Highlander in the 90s and back in the early 2000s I didn't have much to identify with, I didn't have many friends so I used to cling on to things like anime and sci fi and nostalgia, like 80s movies. I happened to meet with a group of friends who had similar and overlapping interests in said nostalgia. Nostalgia had a negative meaning for me because it was a sign of my social inadequacy. Eventually the 'Princes of the Universe' song seemed to represent my hopsefor what University would be for me, and then it became a torturous embarrassment of what I missed out on in my first year. Now, I just like it because I liked the Highlander tv series.
I was watching Highlander last night and the night previous. Listening to that Queen song reminded me of all the feelings and experiences of taht summer in 2004. I've never really talked about what happened when I started to get depressed properly. For some reason, the undergrad memories are quite fresh for me.
Note to self: try not to live in the past too much.
I need to think about my schedule, completing all the tasks, all the applications, and then I'll do more applications. I've got counselling today and I'll probably leave in about 30 mins. Maybe I should talk about something positive. I have been tempted to purge lately. I'm going to put my clothes on. I think I'm going to wear less than usual. It's getting a bit more warm lately and I think I'm able to go back to 'autumn' gear.
Let me talk about two other positives briefly:
Today the sun is out and bright, like a summer or spring morning. It's beautiful and it brings a certain sense of warmth and quiet joy to me. The weather of summer is one thing to look forward to. It's still technically winter andthere is very likely still quite a lot more cold before the warm months come. Still, this is the warmest its been in months: the current temperature is just under 9 degrees.
I have other associations with the sumer, many are not so plesant. Flip flops and dirty teenaged feet, when I started university and I felt sweaty and isolated. I was a social outcast because I wasn't good at making friends, it's also true to say that there weren't many people who were good at befriending me as well. People at uni were distinctly selfish, I guess that's why I invested so much into my friends from sixth form. I hated the juxtaposition of having very few friends at uni and having relatively many at school when I went back home.
In the summer of 2004, not much happened. I didn't go out like crazy and have sex or lose my virginity or have the summer of my life. That was largely due to my own inaction. The days and weeks passed, I just waited to be asked out by friends. I always waited for things to happen and nothing ever happens that way. I had a soundtrack for the late summer which I kept listening to all through late August and early September: Queen's 'Princes of the Universe' and the MacGyver theme. I watched a lot of TV and I thought MacGyver was fairly amusing and random, I listened to music largely on the basis of novelty. I watched films a lot on the basis of novelty. I was trying to be the funny one so much that I didn't have much of a personality. I guess that's why no one wanted to be my friend.
"Nothing like a little melancholy to make a boy attractive", a girl once said to me last year. Funny enough she's right, at least in my case. I was more interesting because of what i suffered. I liked the 'Princes of the Universe' song because it was the intro to the TV Highlander series with sexy British heartthrob Adrian Paul. I really liked his good looks and his slim body and his ponytail. I think subconsciously he's one of the people who influenced my own little ponytail. I used to watch Highlander in the 90s and back in the early 2000s I didn't have much to identify with, I didn't have many friends so I used to cling on to things like anime and sci fi and nostalgia, like 80s movies. I happened to meet with a group of friends who had similar and overlapping interests in said nostalgia. Nostalgia had a negative meaning for me because it was a sign of my social inadequacy. Eventually the 'Princes of the Universe' song seemed to represent my hopsefor what University would be for me, and then it became a torturous embarrassment of what I missed out on in my first year. Now, I just like it because I liked the Highlander tv series.
I was watching Highlander last night and the night previous. Listening to that Queen song reminded me of all the feelings and experiences of taht summer in 2004. I've never really talked about what happened when I started to get depressed properly. For some reason, the undergrad memories are quite fresh for me.
Note to self: try not to live in the past too much.
I need to think about my schedule, completing all the tasks, all the applications, and then I'll do more applications. I've got counselling today and I'll probably leave in about 30 mins. Maybe I should talk about something positive. I have been tempted to purge lately. I'm going to put my clothes on. I think I'm going to wear less than usual. It's getting a bit more warm lately and I think I'm able to go back to 'autumn' gear.
Let me talk about two other positives briefly:
- Yesterday I tried on a new contact lense. It was nice to be able to see with two eyes again. It's hard to describe the difference. My world changed in perception.
- I'm not 'gaining' any weight, which is a damn good positive. I also feel a bit sickened by eating too much meat and crisps. I might snack on a salad instead. I do have quite a hankering for penne and salad these days...
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