Today I've cleared up a good amount of my schedule's overflow. Most of the tasks are small, but I suppose a lot of small tasks accumulate and cause anxiety. I've almost managed to surmount them. I've eaten into the research days that I've planned so I suppose it wasn't without cost.
I've got an optical appointment tomorrow with the eye hospital. As I may or may not have mentioned in previous posts, I have an ongoing and semi-serious eye condition but it doesn't impeded *most* of my daily life. It's based in Old Street. Since moving back to London, I've happened to explore all sorts of areas I've never been before and I've gotten to appreciate how diverse areas of London are. Where I live it is suffocating and nothing ever happens, the only thing it reminds me of is my own inadequacy and the laziness of my dad which infects me, but in other parts of the city there is freshness, there is cultural diversity and passion. I've been to Old Street for quite a few things in past months; an interview, I almost went to a concert there and we had a work thing there so I have nice associations with it.
I've been to hospitals perhaps more than most people do in their lives, they are always for 'head' problems: there's the obvious mental ward I spent a week in; then I had my tooth surgically removed last year and now I have eye problems. I really should arrange a dental appointment, but money is tight. I do kind of dread the thought of a contact lens, they are trying to put this 'new' bigger lens into my eye that is soft on the outside but rigid in the centre. It has to be a rigid lens you see.
When I lived in Bristol, I had anxiety about going outside, I had a fear of getting lost in public, I also had this comparison to london constantly; which had a tube and a universalised transport system. I think the fear of the unfamiliar also scared me. It's something I've had to work on. I think in that respect I've changed a lot, back in the undergrad days I dreaded going out of the house partly because of the uncertainty of walking between two places that took longer than say, 10 minutes and the feeling of unfamiliarity. It also led to me using a lot of money on hiring cabs.
Eventually, however, I started to learn and love Bristol. For a place that caused me so much anxiety and pain, I do feel nostalgic about it. I feel like I've wasted so much of my youth. When I was 18 I didn't feel like I was 18 or some kind of youth enjoying life, I felt like something was missing and I was constantly frightened or anxious and uncertain about the future. I was not happy. I'd do it differently if I could do it again. I'd do it with what I know now. I'm getting noticable anger triggers lately.
Last week in counselling the counsellor said she felt she learned a lot about me in terms of anger and anxiety. It's nice to use alliteration especially when the words begin with A, because A is the first letter of the alphabet, and normally in encyclopaedias is the first few pages; its like an introduction. Are those the two things that define me? Maybe I'd add Angst as well.
I've got an optical appointment tomorrow with the eye hospital. As I may or may not have mentioned in previous posts, I have an ongoing and semi-serious eye condition but it doesn't impeded *most* of my daily life. It's based in Old Street. Since moving back to London, I've happened to explore all sorts of areas I've never been before and I've gotten to appreciate how diverse areas of London are. Where I live it is suffocating and nothing ever happens, the only thing it reminds me of is my own inadequacy and the laziness of my dad which infects me, but in other parts of the city there is freshness, there is cultural diversity and passion. I've been to Old Street for quite a few things in past months; an interview, I almost went to a concert there and we had a work thing there so I have nice associations with it.
I've been to hospitals perhaps more than most people do in their lives, they are always for 'head' problems: there's the obvious mental ward I spent a week in; then I had my tooth surgically removed last year and now I have eye problems. I really should arrange a dental appointment, but money is tight. I do kind of dread the thought of a contact lens, they are trying to put this 'new' bigger lens into my eye that is soft on the outside but rigid in the centre. It has to be a rigid lens you see.
When I lived in Bristol, I had anxiety about going outside, I had a fear of getting lost in public, I also had this comparison to london constantly; which had a tube and a universalised transport system. I think the fear of the unfamiliar also scared me. It's something I've had to work on. I think in that respect I've changed a lot, back in the undergrad days I dreaded going out of the house partly because of the uncertainty of walking between two places that took longer than say, 10 minutes and the feeling of unfamiliarity. It also led to me using a lot of money on hiring cabs.
Eventually, however, I started to learn and love Bristol. For a place that caused me so much anxiety and pain, I do feel nostalgic about it. I feel like I've wasted so much of my youth. When I was 18 I didn't feel like I was 18 or some kind of youth enjoying life, I felt like something was missing and I was constantly frightened or anxious and uncertain about the future. I was not happy. I'd do it differently if I could do it again. I'd do it with what I know now. I'm getting noticable anger triggers lately.
Last week in counselling the counsellor said she felt she learned a lot about me in terms of anger and anxiety. It's nice to use alliteration especially when the words begin with A, because A is the first letter of the alphabet, and normally in encyclopaedias is the first few pages; its like an introduction. Are those the two things that define me? Maybe I'd add Angst as well.
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