...diet starts first

I came home from seeing friends. I've been paid for last month, albeit a very little amount. It was the around the same amount as I was taxed last month. Coming home I feel a sense of anxiety. There is so much to do and I feel such little energy to do it all. Life seems to be a nightmare of unemployability. I must keep working as an intern and a part time casual labourer.

My head is in a bit of a muddle, I thought I knew what I was going to say.

I am getting upset triggers. My ex for one, I feel little glimpses of lonliness. I wish I was brilliant and beautiful and special. I wish that I would be someone important and someone who genuinely has something special inside them. None of these thoughts matter, all that matters is action. I suppose thats what I must venture towards: action.

I like how some people have a gestalt approach to life where verything seems certain or determined or determinable. Nothing seems certain to me, nothing seems reliable except the graciousness of my parents not kicking me out or charging rent.

Nothing seems to make sense in my head, my feelings are obscured and in a mix. I am a little bit down but I also feel this cloudy feeling where nothing seems to come to me. I need to focus on tasks. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll allow some sleep.

I must work towards improving myself. I've not done very much of that lately. Diet starts first.