I dream of dobby

I probably should have written this a couple of days ago. On the afternoon of new years day when I woke up. I had an emotional realisation. If I were to explain depression to an outsider it would be like comparing how it feels to wake up with a hangover that never ends. You feel groggy, weak, no motivation, possibly you just want to eat and lay in bed. You feel horrid and there seems like nothing that can make it go away.

That's one kind of depression at least.

I remember when I was in university every day felt like that. Every day felt heavy and I just couldn't find enough strength and motivation to get me going. I am fucked. I need to have a distinction in my Masters degree. I just have a pass. I barely have a pass. I have a 2:i degree, sure, but I don't have a very good masters degree.

I don't think I can hope for a PhD. I really wish I could though. I did do something brave today and look up another PhD programme. I gave a good reason to say no. They only accept MAs with high grade. I woke up about midday today, again I say. Last night I was chatting to 'Dobby'. I've not chatted to her in a while. I really like chatting to her. Somehow it came up about 2girls1cup and 1guy1jar and other related shock videos (mr. hands or the pain olympics) and then we started opening up about sexual things. I was really shocked that I could open up to dobby about my sexual likes, and she did hers. It was a bonding moment and I was also pretty horny.

I think if any girl is ever going to be a potential girlfriend she'll have to accept certain things about my life:

• I've had an eating disorder
• I've attempted suicide and was in a mental ward for a while
• I didn't do well in my masters
• I have a feet fetish
• I hump my pilow for sexual relief

I think I've told her about 4-5 of them. Guess which one I haven't told her? it's the one about the masters. I'm deeply ashamed of that, even more than my foot fetish, and the pillow thing. Dobby liked opening up to me cos she says she isn't sure about opening up to people because they 'won't understand' and she told me about her kinky interests. I told her I don't think its weird, in fact I think its hot. Dobs asked me if I was attracted to her and I told her my honest answer: yes, but I try to keep a barrier about that because I respect you as a person and there's a difference between fantasy and reality.

I wonder what it would be like to have dobby as my girlfriend. She's awesome, maybe she's socially awkward like dobby from peep show. I wouldn't care, I think both dobbies are ace. The IT misfit who is a sensitive geek. Dobby is the office pinup and a geek man's dream. I don't want to go as far and say that she's the girl of my dreams, although I have dreamed often of a perfect girl being dobby-shaped. Am I starting to have feelings for a girl on the internet again? Ugh, why does this always happen to me. I don't think it will ever be mainstream to 'meet a girl on the internet'. It's been happening for at least 15 years but its still a bit weird. I asked her out and she sorta said no. That doesn't bode well, but Mark Corrigan went through worse and he still nabbed his dobby.

A friend asked me to come out with him tonight. I think I will, and then i'll go home early. For now, I guess I ought to do the applications I scheduled. Today is surprisingly, a more free day than usual.