The hard truth is my life isn't what I wanted it to be, and that's because I was and still am a deeply flawed person.
This morning I lay in bed, I just felt like reflecting on the past. I decided to be different and went through a process.
1. Answer this question: if you could change something at a crucial time to make it all better for the present what would it be?
1A: the crucial time would probably be either on my second or third year of university. Let's say my third year as that's when I attempted the suicide and it all went downhill. I would have changed the following:
i. Get on with working and try to not let your feelings take over
ii. Go out more and work slowly on anxiety, like I am now
iii. Create scheduling system that I have created now (this would be an impossible task cos it took a lot of me to develolp this)
iv. Allow yourself to be different from the now and get out of the same environment and routine to change things
v. Be more target oriented, set daily targets and dont let them all get on top of you
In a sense, I wouldn't have been open to learning these things back then as I am now. I was too fixed in my thinking. I learned a lot since then, but at too great a cost. Perhaps I was destined to fail.
2. Take on the lessons of 1A and use it for the present.
So I got out of bed, and tidied my bed, then I did some tasks on GCal, and now I'm blogging about this.
I feel a bit down today. I don't know how to change that feeling right now. I wish I did. I suppose all I can do is take on what I've learned now, and be open to new things. My parents are fighting a lot these days and my dad's health is slowly declining but he's too stubborn to change. Being around this is affecting me in very negative ways. I want to escape this, I want to escape all the bad stuff in my life. I don't think there's anywhere to escape to, though. In my head I keep living in the past, I dont want to do that. The present is now and I dont want to lose the future I want. I need to keep going.
This week I worked hard to earn my keep, the point of applying to moer jobs is to get money and sort out my life. Once I've sorted that I can make it better. I can have a chance to escape. I've got a lot to catch up with. For some reason I felt I could get it done last night. That dobby girl I really liked is seeing someone now. That has upset me.
This morning I lay in bed, I just felt like reflecting on the past. I decided to be different and went through a process.
1. Answer this question: if you could change something at a crucial time to make it all better for the present what would it be?
1A: the crucial time would probably be either on my second or third year of university. Let's say my third year as that's when I attempted the suicide and it all went downhill. I would have changed the following:
i. Get on with working and try to not let your feelings take over
ii. Go out more and work slowly on anxiety, like I am now
iii. Create scheduling system that I have created now (this would be an impossible task cos it took a lot of me to develolp this)
iv. Allow yourself to be different from the now and get out of the same environment and routine to change things
v. Be more target oriented, set daily targets and dont let them all get on top of you
In a sense, I wouldn't have been open to learning these things back then as I am now. I was too fixed in my thinking. I learned a lot since then, but at too great a cost. Perhaps I was destined to fail.
2. Take on the lessons of 1A and use it for the present.
So I got out of bed, and tidied my bed, then I did some tasks on GCal, and now I'm blogging about this.
I feel a bit down today. I don't know how to change that feeling right now. I wish I did. I suppose all I can do is take on what I've learned now, and be open to new things. My parents are fighting a lot these days and my dad's health is slowly declining but he's too stubborn to change. Being around this is affecting me in very negative ways. I want to escape this, I want to escape all the bad stuff in my life. I don't think there's anywhere to escape to, though. In my head I keep living in the past, I dont want to do that. The present is now and I dont want to lose the future I want. I need to keep going.
This week I worked hard to earn my keep, the point of applying to moer jobs is to get money and sort out my life. Once I've sorted that I can make it better. I can have a chance to escape. I've got a lot to catch up with. For some reason I felt I could get it done last night. That dobby girl I really liked is seeing someone now. That has upset me.
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