Being purged

Okay, today I am pretty miserable; forced myself out of bed. Felt distressed. Lying in bed for a little while, just talking myself to keep going and fight on. I was trying this thing called "affirmations" that Antonia suggested.

Okay, so now, at 9:56 I feel a little stronger, and just willing to battle the day.

Then; facebook minifeed (the source of discontent) tells me that Marie has left a facebook group that I created, for a society that I used to be part of, that I am now purged out of. She purged the group off her membership, the group that I am still staying with (as non-portfolio) that nonetheless purged me. I kind of feel like this act of purging of the group of which i was purged of is her purging me.

I wonder how that makes me feel? Here's a clue...what's the most common word of the last paragraph?

Suddenly I feel miserable again. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. I probably am; but still, feeling rejected is a trigger that I have.

I'm off to a seminar; but I thought to myself that I was going to have a productive day. My weight is 156lbs. I've lost 84lbs since the summer. Sometimes I feel like I'm one of the cool kids now that I have had more attention to me and more popularity and a new reputation. Other times I feel like I have offended God deeply by my actions...

I feel like life without Marie is pointless, no matter how good it is with all the academic stuff, all the way I change in looks...

It doesn't matter how fat or thin I am, how smart or stupid I am, how rich or poor I am, how many friends I have....while being thin, smart (which I'm not there yet!), not poor, and with a bunch of supporting and loving friends around me. I will still feel this way.

I am trying to strip away every negative one at a time. Purging takes away my fat, purging helps my concentration, concentration helps me read, reading helps me work, working moves me to my dream of being an academic, drinking coffee helps me concentrate, drinking coffee makes me purge. It's all a destructive frantic cycle which, in some perverse view of the world, I think improves me. But it means nothing without Marie. What good is it to have a brilliant landscape of nature before you, if you have no eyes? That's how I feel. I don't care about my reputation or how people see me as smart. I would care if they didn't think those things, but that just seems to be one more negative, but even if I take that away; I still have this fundamental emptiness. This fundamental yearning and desiring...

[Insert religious appeal here....]