Vertical and horizontal

There are two ways in which I judge how fat I am; the horizontal test (looking from the shoulders), and the vertical test (looking from my side).

Before I started purging, I could sometimes pass for not- obese by the horizontal test. But most people can pass for not looking fat. They might not have a huge waist, or a tubby face, their broadness, or some aspect of their muscularity may compensate. They may pass.

Sometimes I feel quite attractive horizontally, but I can often find reason to reject this feeling. So now, I introduce you to vertical tests; when I stand up straight (I've recently learned a new way to stand up....since my fat has gone, my overall body shape has changed in a way that my poise also may change); I can see my belly portruding. It's unacceptable.

I saw this video the other day, Kate Moss in a photoshoot or something; yeah, she's kind of old now, I know, but she has an amazing body. She had this perfectly flat belly; the kind that if you breathe out, it would hardly move, if move at all! The kind of belly where when you bend over, the skin doesn't fold. I want a perfectly smooth and tight belly like that...that will be a most certain way in which I can say I am not fat! Because my belly will be gone...

Okay, one more thought post to go...