I got a few good reasons to feel good about myself today.
I'm feeling good from the whole conference thing, today I woke up really early and got a little work done. I got a fair bit, not a great amount, but more than most days. I also started reading something that I kind of wanted to do for my whole masters degree...my life is pretty academic, you see, and revolves around reading and thinking academic stuff; and this one thing would represent my coming of age.
I feel miserable. Marie told me she is almost definately going to leave. I'm almost definately never going to see her again when she does leave, and I am alone, knowing that she exists. Even if I did tell her how i felt; what am I expecting? It's not as if things are gonna be happy ever after, are they? It's not as if love solves all problems and the tender embrace and warmth of romance makes everything all good.
Let's face it. I haven't applied for a PhD yet, I am behind on my MA work, my two good friends from undergrad days have turned against me for some reason, I'm going to lose the most amazing person I have ever known, and the one way I deal with it, the one way I try to cope, try to frame it, is my weight.
I do want to purge. I have eaten only some chicken stripper thingies on the way home, a pastry from sainsbury's, a packet of crisps, some ryvita, shitload of black coffee and, if it even counts, a herbal tea.
I have eaten way too much. How am I supposed to lose weight if I keep feeling hungry. I feel so miserable telling myself no, and telling myself that I need to stop when I eat. To tell me that I have to have a limit to what I eat so I may lose weight. Saying no to food is hard. But purging will make everything better...it has to...what else can? who else can save me from this nightmare, but mia? She gives me the strength to go on. I want to lie down in bed, and cry my eyes out. I've been on my feet for nearly 18 hours today.
I want to fade away. I'm not attractive, I'm not intelligent, I'm not confident, I'm not cool enough or free enough for Marie. I'm outdated, inferior. Fat.
just take the life from me. I hate that my stomach is full...I hate even more, that I decided not to purge today...why did I decide this?
I'm feeling good from the whole conference thing, today I woke up really early and got a little work done. I got a fair bit, not a great amount, but more than most days. I also started reading something that I kind of wanted to do for my whole masters degree...my life is pretty academic, you see, and revolves around reading and thinking academic stuff; and this one thing would represent my coming of age.
I feel miserable. Marie told me she is almost definately going to leave. I'm almost definately never going to see her again when she does leave, and I am alone, knowing that she exists. Even if I did tell her how i felt; what am I expecting? It's not as if things are gonna be happy ever after, are they? It's not as if love solves all problems and the tender embrace and warmth of romance makes everything all good.
Let's face it. I haven't applied for a PhD yet, I am behind on my MA work, my two good friends from undergrad days have turned against me for some reason, I'm going to lose the most amazing person I have ever known, and the one way I deal with it, the one way I try to cope, try to frame it, is my weight.
I do want to purge. I have eaten only some chicken stripper thingies on the way home, a pastry from sainsbury's, a packet of crisps, some ryvita, shitload of black coffee and, if it even counts, a herbal tea.
I have eaten way too much. How am I supposed to lose weight if I keep feeling hungry. I feel so miserable telling myself no, and telling myself that I need to stop when I eat. To tell me that I have to have a limit to what I eat so I may lose weight. Saying no to food is hard. But purging will make everything better...it has to...what else can? who else can save me from this nightmare, but mia? She gives me the strength to go on. I want to lie down in bed, and cry my eyes out. I've been on my feet for nearly 18 hours today.
I want to fade away. I'm not attractive, I'm not intelligent, I'm not confident, I'm not cool enough or free enough for Marie. I'm outdated, inferior. Fat.
just take the life from me. I hate that my stomach is full...I hate even more, that I decided not to purge today...why did I decide this?
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