I've started to talk to Antonia again; that's good, apparently, she seems okay with us 'breaking up'. It feels like such a long time ago. I know its quite soon, but life is quick and so fleeting. I do miss the physical intimacy, I miss her scent, I miss feeling her warm, writhe body naked, next to me, her morning air of sweat and lust arousing my nose as I set eyes on her. I enjoyed seeing her face peacefully sleeping, as I would approach her and kiss her.
All of these social rituals, like handshakes, cuddling, putting an 'x' after an email or message, and hugging a dear friend. With Marie we identified that it is so full of shit, for those who do not mean it, and it means so little for her, in moments when she wishes to express genuine sorrow or ambivalence. Such that, I would feel insulted if she ever engaged in such normal gestures with me and I may suspect she didn't know it.
Today, I made a big meal; just like yesterday. I made some fried onions battered, with some deep fried beef pieces, also battered. I purged afterwards, in a big way. I think I shall do the same now, after cooking my attempt at pancakes...
I feel like this purging and forced starvation is doing nothing for me...it's so hard to lose weight. I am currently at 'normal' weight, and I am struggling to push down to 150, from mid 150s. I need to push past the 150, then to 140 (my original target), then 130.
Maybe in 2 months? But I struggle every day, and constantly, for something in 2 months? My patience for losing weight is little, but I feel positive about this aggressive purging. If I am slim, at least I can't say I'm fat, even if my life is getting shit in other respects. If I'm thin, maybe that will give me a positive attitude to fight on with my other problems.
Another positive: I got my driving license! It would be fun to be on the road when I am back home with my parents (and my dad's car!)
All of these social rituals, like handshakes, cuddling, putting an 'x' after an email or message, and hugging a dear friend. With Marie we identified that it is so full of shit, for those who do not mean it, and it means so little for her, in moments when she wishes to express genuine sorrow or ambivalence. Such that, I would feel insulted if she ever engaged in such normal gestures with me and I may suspect she didn't know it.
Today, I made a big meal; just like yesterday. I made some fried onions battered, with some deep fried beef pieces, also battered. I purged afterwards, in a big way. I think I shall do the same now, after cooking my attempt at pancakes...
I feel like this purging and forced starvation is doing nothing for me...it's so hard to lose weight. I am currently at 'normal' weight, and I am struggling to push down to 150, from mid 150s. I need to push past the 150, then to 140 (my original target), then 130.
Maybe in 2 months? But I struggle every day, and constantly, for something in 2 months? My patience for losing weight is little, but I feel positive about this aggressive purging. If I am slim, at least I can't say I'm fat, even if my life is getting shit in other respects. If I'm thin, maybe that will give me a positive attitude to fight on with my other problems.
Another positive: I got my driving license! It would be fun to be on the road when I am back home with my parents (and my dad's car!)
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