Coping

Okay; last seminar of like the MA, ever. Afterwards, I celebrated by purging. This time, I started a new purging technique which I introduced yesterday; putting fingers to depress the tongue, and I try to go further up to my tonsils to agitate it and evoke a very powerful vomiting.

It is a good method to purge because everything comes out, and everything is forced out, as some kind of gag reflex. I only ate a breakfast bar today; there wasn't any remnant of it less than an hour after I onsumed it, because my purging was mostly liquid. I found this most peculiar.

Purging is my way to copel to cope with the calamities of life; to cope with how fucked up, how behind and immature I am, and how insufficient I am to the road to fully realising what I am. To fully realise that it is inside my nature.

who am I? What can I be? what can I hope?

These questions terrify me insofar as I feel like any answer towards what my maximal state of being would be, is far from being realised.

So; what distresses me today:

1. Being in love with Marie, and trying to be there for her in her depression, even though she is pushing me away (as a friend); I suppose she cannot trust me, because I am a male, and males are sexual creatures who only want women for possession. I'mm scared to admit that even though I care for her and seek her wellbeing; I do also desire her.

2. Not yet applying for a PhD; Its my own fault

3. Other things that I want to consider my fault...not reading enough, not helping people enough, not being attractive enough, not livign to the way I could have

The distress feels so strong, yet of a strenght and shame whereby I cannot express it through a facial expression, or through words; I purged it all out.

Maybe If I purge enough i will change. Antonia did say that I have become more attractive through the purging. I would like to be beautifu. She called me her beautiful boy. I want to be a beautiful boy; I want my turn to mature. I want to grow up to be a handsome prince from the ugly frog. I want to be the swan who was once an ugly duckling. I want to be the one who grows up finally. I want to have my coming of age. I never really did a coming of age properly when I was growing up. I never had that first dance, asking a girl out, I did have a first kiss, although those circumstances were very ... odd.

When will come my time to emerge? When will come my time to grow up? When will come my time to fully realise my highest function, my highest capacity as a person?

....my old fear is that it already came to pass (before university, when I was 'the legend')

My fear now, is that, this is the best it can ever be.

My throat hurts incredibly from the purging. I purposely purged as hard as I could, even to the point of just purging acid, to the point of spitting blood, to the point where my voice is damaged for the rest of the day, or longer. I want to damage my voice, that's a sign I have been doing a good job purging.

I need to do more to purge; I need to not eat, drink only water, and purge very ery hard to the point wherby I cannot speak, to the point where there is nothing left inside of me.

Finally, then, will my body be the full realisation of my inner states, my body expressing the pain, emptiness, deprivedness, and suffering of my mind. That would be eauty, where my physical body will be the perfect reflection of my mind; but have I not already realised that?

How may have I realised that? by means of losing weight, my broad shoulders, my long dark hair, my dress sense, my voice, my eyes, my face, my soft curves that form my face, the bone structures emerging from my ribs and the slow emerging structure that emerges from my collar that so many of those action heroes in the films have.

I want to be beautiful so that I can be wanted. I want to be wanted so I can be worthy. I want to be an academic, I want to live. I want to fully move on from that terrible moment in the past, and come to terms with a new, albeit different life, I want to accept how things are difficult and changing, and constantly be learning, yet realise that life is an evergoig process, and not something that comes through stages and definite points of realisation.

I'm gonna try and get back to some work...

I'm going to a talk later, maybe Marie will be there. Another concern that I have is that I want to purge so much that I cannot hide it anymore. Part of me wants people to know. Part of me wants to know that this world is not so strongly uncaring that they would not notice my purging. I want them to know. I want them to care, but to do that....I have to be worth caring about.

I want to close my eyes and fade into nothing. But no, I must stand up from this park bench, stop typing on my laptop, and get on with my life. This is what it is like to get out of the warm mother's womb, to wake from sleep, and get on with he day, with life. The human condition for me, is a fundamental yearning to moe out of the wom, and try to forget the perfet comfort that came from it.