Afraid of committment? Me?!

Antonia has been ignoring me for a few days, and then she brings up a "let's talk about us", conversation.

I've never had a girlfriend before, and other than my one date with a girl that ended somewhat disastrously in November 2006; since beginning my Masters degree, I have had almost no contact with girls in the real world, or real experience of life in this way. So, this is quite new to me.

For those of you who are not familiar with many many hours of American sitcoms (read that as "life"), having these conversations are difficult. Antonia is asking me to consider, or rather, acknowledge that the relationship we have, is a "relationship". Or, to complicate the semantics even more, our connection is a relationship relationship, rather than just some generic relationship, like how I am to have a relationship with a doctor, or a vendor at Somerfield, as I ask for something, or give them my money, or my grief.

After some long reflection. I ask myself, is Antonia my girlfriend?; she is kind of pressuring me to think about it. She is pressuring me to think about it because she wants to know for sure, she wants me to acknowledge the relationship in a way that seems like I am not in denial, or ashamed of her, or the like.

I'm going to admit it. I'm a bastard! I'm the guy who has everything and I won't even acknowledge it. I'm the guy who has his dream of being chased by a girl come true, and now I am all coy. When I was fat and ugly before (buli)'mia came round, I was tortured mentally by thinking about those guys who were attractive, by those guys who could ahve a girl like them, who were great and popular and nice and got girl's numbers! I'm my own enemy now...I've changed now that mia is with me, but I'm afraid of changing into the people who made me depressed.

Let me give an analogy; imagine if in school, you had a friendship circle, or were fixated on some deprival. In my case, it was not being in the top of the classes for things, I was in the bottom class for maths, english, french, science...I felt really inferior to all those guys in the top classes, the rugby guys, who got all the girls, had all the muscles, the chiseled good looks, the favour of the teachers and our priests (I was in Catholic school...). They were commended for their rugby, their community service involvement, their fundraising for the annual India trip, and so on...

So, what am I now? Imagine now I wake up as the amazing rugby charity muscular hunk intelligent favoured by priest guy. I feel different now I have started the Masters; I feel different insofar as my role has changed. It's like I'm the prison guard and not the prisoner anymore. I'm living the fantasy I dreamed of, albeit with an eating disorder and crippling depression, and crippling anxiety, and little money, and poor organisation, and...okay, so maybe its not the fantasy fully. The point is, however, I thought that sex, and having abeautiful girl like Marie as a close friend, would make life perfect, I thought that being thinner would make things better, to the latter point, it went exactly how I thought. However, are things critically bad? Like being behind on my PhD application. Or, are things finally coming to realise like how I dreamed before I started uni?

I don't know.....

I think I need to apologise to Anotnia. She deserves to be treated better than this. I'm probably a bad guy for a relationship.