I wish I could purge thoughts too...

Okay; so last night, I found out that Marie is possibly involved with someone; not only that, she may be vastly sexually different to me. Bang. Anxiety attack. Tried to purge everything inside me but I couldn't.

Couldn't sleep. I was in a constant state of terror and loss of hope. So Marie may have been seeing someone else the whole time. Feelings of inadequacy ensure.

[scene missing]

After the horrific degradation of my soul, wherewhich I kind of felt like my whole life was over, suicide wasn't that bad an Idea; I was just too tired to commit. I felt the most horrible death of my hopes, the beliefs and desires which I held eroded, slowly, but definately, like the slow and steady eroision of my throat by stomach acid.

I can't stand these feelings. I lost Antonia, and my hope for Marie in less than 7 days. Is this possibly the worst week in my life? I'm open minded...but it's a pretty good candidate for the top 5.

THe next day; I wake up. "Ugghh", I thought, "what happened last week?"

*CLICK*

The sound of the trigger in my mind, reminding me that I blew my brains out the night before. Fuck. Purge, sit up. Drink some water. Purge again.

What a distressing day. I talked to some friends on MSN; who were assuring me that I am a good person, and also handsome, smart, funny, and caring; their assertion that I have no reason to feel alone; because i am never alone if I am cared about.

I do have some kind friends, but their sentiments have fallen on my pained chest. The pain of my heart (literally, the organ, that is), as I throw up as if my life depended on it; the relief I feel is so brief, and so slight, but its all I have. All I have is the pleasure from purging. Today, I have been so hungry that I have eaten nothing; well, except for the kind guy at grad school offering me a lovely sweety. I have been drinking water today; just so I can purge it out.

My throat hurts quite a lot; my voice has changed for today due to the pain. Anxiety attack, or panic attack, whatever your label; it was terrifying.

I ask myself now: what do I really want out of life? What is it that I want that I would kill myself to know that I could never have it?

Love.

Love with someone so spectacular and similar to me. Love with someone so different, yet so much the same. Love with someone who gives me hope (at times), and understanding. Love with someone who fulfills me and gives me strength to go on; the temporal comfort that may not last, but its memory always will. Love, the most human and expressive activity a man or woman could engage upon. Love; the expression of oneself through a discovery of another. Love, the only thing that makes life worthwhile...

It seems like I can't have it. I could live, and maybe even be a nice guy, a pretty guy, a clever guy, a funny guy, a caring guy. But I would be fundamentally empty insofar as I would have no yearning to ever have fulfilled. I prayed for things to get better; and through purging; things have most certainly improved. But it wasn't enough. Nothing I ever do is enough. I'm not attractive enough, not smart enough, not funny enough, not caring enough.

This is going to change! And here is how:

1. Purging
2. Reading more
3. Learning more about people
4. Spending more time to those who need help in the world (in the way that I myself yearn)

I will do all of those things and be a better guy, I will do them to my death. The cherry blossom is most beautiful in bloom, shortly before its death. If I cannot have love, then, this empty goal of purging is to which I must strive.