As I was writing the last post. Antonia called me and we sorted out our rift. I told her the ong stor of my hospitalisation; she became slighly more understanding and commended me for having the constitution to tell her. It was a difficult time.
Antonia wants to think of me as a boyfriend. I told her our relationship s not like that, we are not in a 'relationship'/ as such, but we are friends, and we are close. I can't deal with it being any more than that; but maybe, a thought in the back of my mind; I am like one of those guys who are afraid of committment.
Not so long ago, I though I was unloveable; to some extent, I still believe this. I am in the jaws of a female beast; with the oppurtunity to be hers. But its not Marie...
Marie is dropping out of her degree, she is going into another degree, or moving out to soewhere else. It means that she won't be at the university anymore, maybe I won't either. I'm scared.
Am I going to lose her?
The thought of losing Marie is too powerful for me, I couldn't bear to face a world without her; no matter how beautiful music is, no matter how lovely sunsets are, how interesting my work is and how fulfilling my academic lifestyle is....life is grey without her. Life is just....frames of time, moments of things happening, no string to put them together, no substance, A picure is just a mirror of a thing, not the majesty of the thing it depicts. Life would just be like seeing a film; distant, empty, detached, not me....I am going to have to accept in some way that Marie is going to move away. Maybe she'll meet me from time to time. But her absence is going to drain the colour from my life.
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