[because there are no words]

Saturday, Antonia came over to say; I was doing her a favour as she was in town.

We talked a little on IM about it; she was quite excited. Through the day up to the point she came over, I wasn't thinking about her very much, but she was nontheless in my thoughts, just little things like my errands, I cleaned up he room for her and thought about buying special food for the night.

So, I went to collect her to tkae her to my place; we got a pizza, she was holding my hand while we were walking, and I met a friend from Grad school when we buying wine. This colleague of mine was quite surprising, what I mean is that I was surprised to see her in the part of the city that I was currently in; I associate her more with the university precinct.

Another thing was that I was in my personal mode, rather than my academic mode; people in grad school know me as the historical all-rounder guy, the guy who has a very specific specialist area, but knows lots of other stuff too; also a little shy, but friendly with the over-macho guy, Dick C, which most people must find odd.

Anyhoo, I lost face a bit because I don't want people in grad school to know I have a life outside the books; mainly for my own security, I don't want them to find out about my 'issues' (purging, depression, anxiety, shyness, sexual frustration, body image issues, fears etc.).

When I came home with Antonia; we talked, then, I guess a lot of firsts happened that night...

I perhaps shouldn't say what I did; I have been thinking about it. You see, even though this blog is candidly me, what I experienced was so personal, so intimate, so unique. Even if I told you, perhaps it could not be captured of the fundamental subjectivity and 'this'-ness of the moment.

My first kiss? It was kind of by accident. I was kind of holding out, I didn't really want to kiss, although my body wanted it, my heart kept thinking of Marie. Antonia, in part knew that this was he case, but she also knows that its very difficult with Marie; that I hardly hear from her and, there is an undeniable sexual attraction between myself and Antonia; she kept assuring me that this was okay, that we both want it in some way and just to ejoy the moment. All there is is now, she told me. Just see it for what it is, she said. Try not to over-intellectualise it.

My first kiss.

I should say, I'm a little dissappointed with what kissing is like. And, yes, I did have sex with her. It was very much a 'one thing led to another'.

Sex?

I am not sure. It was so wonderful engaging in the physical intimacy, and the emotional bond that we did have, even if I didn't feel as strongly about it as she. I did it mainly to pleasure her, to make her feel good; I felt so overwhelmed by it, it made me feel special, wanted, beautiful; she constantly told me how gorgeous I was.

We went on for quite a while, I, apparently am quite good at pleasing her. I was worried about the bed creaking too much, and her screaming a lot. I feel so overwhelmed, I was good at having sex? This seems most most unbelievable, I was in constant disbelief the whole night, i felt like I detached myself from my body and was just seeing it all as if it was someone else, my actions motivated by a desire to please her, my touch motivated by my care for her, but still, I felt this emptiness, this detachment, I know what joy feels like; joy is when I am in a research seminar and I am understanding something, joy is the mutual learning of others under my words when I talk about my work to them, joy is the reading I do in the library and my dreams to become an academic.

Joy is my self-discovery as the man I want to be. I did not feel much of this self-discovery in sex; even if i 'learned' about myself a little.

Although I made her orgasm many times...I wasn't able to...

What the hell?! I have no Idea why; she said it was because I am used to stimulating myself, and letting go to someone else is different and they need to get used to those things that I desire.

I kind of feel like I am cheating myself by talking about this in the blog. But, you don't know who I am, and I really need to express these thoughts and feelings of mine. Although I don't want to shout in the rooftops (I feel a little dirty, actually), my life has changed forever.

Although she was very good at touching me, very beautiful, very sensual, and most of all, very sensitive to me, I fulfilled her fantasy, her desire, but mine are hardly even close to fulfillment...my dream of beoming an academic and returning the world to those academic golden years when people invented mechanics and economics and political philosophy.

My dream doesn't involve my own happiness; for what an empty persson I would e if I were to desire the state of the world to fit my own wants; no, i want the world itself to improve. I am reminded of my first conversation with Marie; we talked about changing the world, we both agreed about a lot of things. She used to say "Stop agreeing with me!" and smiled...

I love her.

But maybe this experience has taught me, there is more to the world than what I want. Maye I can try to live without romantic love, and seek my own innermost desire of academia, the innermost joy and delight of learning.