Running after Marie

It was a society event social thingy on thursday. Marie was helping organising it; I hardly do much now that I am not the president or secretary anymore...

Okay so the day went like this; woke up feeling miserable (not entirely sure why, but I can envisage all sorts of reasons why [with my life being shitty and all]), so I woke up fairly late.. I woke up to late to do the actual reading for the seminar, but it has a lot to do that day, during the seminar I got a text from Marie. She told me that she was having a moment of distress, but I heard that I got very worried about during the seminar, so as the seminar ended, I ran out to call her

She put the phone on answer after two rings, so that must have meant that she put the phone off. I guess that she didn't want to talk to anyone. Not even me. She was too distressed to talk. I can understand, I thought of calling her again, but my better judgement said otherwise, so what I did was I gave a text message instead. I told her that she was strong, and that I wanted to do anything to help her, and I'd do her duties for the university society so that she wouldn't have to feel as much pressure and that she would do what she had to and I'd do my best to ease her burden. I was desperate to talk to her, I wanted to help her in any way that I could.

I went home, after getting no reply from her, and deciding not to wait for her, she probably wouldn't want to talk in her moment of distress. As I got home, I collapsed to sleep. I woke up some time later, quite late, given I needed to go to this event. So, I had an hour to get ready. I felt quite distressed, in my inadequacy and the fact that I couldn't come to terms with my feelings for Marie; I got drunk. Hurrendously so. My dad has given me a big canister thing of good old west country cider, so I had about 2-3 pints of that before I left. The drunkness took the edge off my despair.

So, I went off to the event, waited outside at the benches, my real reason was that I wanted to sit down and just be away from everyone; I was directing people as they came in. Then Marie came, and we talked. She gave me a text as I woke up from my 'siesta' saying that she feels better. She is so amazing, she went through so much in the day and is facing the world again with so much strength. We talked for a while, I told her that I was quite distressed so I got drunk.

As the night went on, we formed a team in the quiz, it went well, and we had a bit of a rapport, and I met some new people who were quite nice and we had a good night. Being around people and forgetting your own ego does help once in a while, pretending to be someone else and making jokes makes life a little easier.

As the quiz ended (we didn't win, but I had fun, which is hard to say in times when I am competitive...I'm the competitive type). Marie left, I was talking to a guy for a few minutes, then I decided to run off, to see Marie. Marie didn't live far, so what I did was run after her as much as I could. I caught her up, or rather, she found me running and panting.

She said to me "what are you doing?! you silly boy!" I was still panting, I went down on my knees to catch my breath, she sat down next to me on the pavement. I can't remember the exact words that were said, or the full details of what happened; but it all came out. I told her how I am worried about her, how I want her to be okay, how she doesn't have to be alone; how special she is to me, how she reflects a part of who I am; how important she is to me; how worried I get about her; and perhaps, most importantly, how I want to have her to help me.

I think she said that I am the one she trusts the most. I can't remember fully. She said lots of wonderful things about me; like how kind I am, how caring I was, which is what she said when I was (not elected) in the society election as a reason to vote for me...not a good enough reason I guess.

So, I finally got to open up to her, I told her how I felt, sitting on the floor, she held me in her arms, I declined my head on her shoulder, her tender caress comforting me, it was like a dream. Her tenderness, her care; it was as if a side of her I longed to see, I was so worried about her, I was too exhausted and distressed and drunk to actually say it, that I was more beaten up physically from the running and being drunk, that I was being tended to by her.

Marie took me home; we talked about lots of things, and she was very sweet, she held me with her arm around my waist, and she held my hand with the other arm. Perhaps I was too drunk and distressed to acknowledge the whole wonder of it. She does care about me. Marie told me that it has to be two way; that she must be there for me as I am there for her. I made her promise me, and I asked her for assurance if this was okay; I wanted her to be there, I didn't want her to go away.

As she walked me home, I talked to her about my purging. I told her I had to reach a target and it is the only thing that I can have as a positive; she forced me to promise her that I will eat. She said she wasn't leaving my doorstep until she promised I would eat. I didn't want to, I told her that that was an unreasonable demand and I really want this, I really want to purge and lose this weight. It is important and somehting I really want to do, something positive to lose all that weight.

I looked down as she asked me to promise her, she was somewhat angry, she grasped my chin with her hand and dragged my face to stare at her eye to eye. She made me promise. "For me", she said. I did it for her, because I dont' want to do it for myself. I want to purge and lose the weight, but she is making me do it. I don't want to eat! I hate eating. I hate it.

As I promised, she was about to go, but then, she gave me one last cuddle. Her hair smelled so beautiful, it felt so right, and close, and warm, and intimate, to hold her, grasp her, caress her, smell her, open up to her...

I'm not sure what is going to happen now. Now that I have opened up to her. What will come of the future?

One thing I do know, there is a little bit of relief from her knowing. I felt that night that the most important thing I held from her she now knows. But now, i feel like there is a barrier again; maybe that is just my anxiety of girls in general, or general anxiety; but Ifeel again distant from her, and a little bit distressed.

I'm not sure what the future holds, but hey; there are no guarantees in life; just a lot of unclaimable IOUs