The new me

I keep a few photos in my google account; google has this picture storing service called "Picasa". I have kept various photos; when I graduated, relatives visiting etc...

One thing that I keep is a gallery of pictures of me. It dates back to 2004. The first picture is from my last day of college. Later pictures include me during the first year of uni, some of the second, and a lot of the third.

It goes like this

2004 - weight neutral, short hair
2005 - medium hair (depression beginning), weight eventually goes up
2006 - anxiety period, longer hair, weight neutral, but gain weight in the summer (due to stronger medication) -
2006-2007 (before my masters) - getting fatter and fatter...look ugly
2007-present day...losing weight consistently.

As I looked at the pictures of the past, I thought to myself: I am so ashamed of how fat I used to be. I hope no one finds out of this shame.

My current dress trends are that I wear as revealing and tight clothes as possible. This makes more sense because in the past, I used to dress to hide my fat.

I used to wear a dress shirt to hide the fat, wear blazers, wear thick long jackets, and wear black,

I still wear black, and long jackets, but now I want to have it in small size.

I do feel better about my body. Maybe it doesn't count as an eating disorder, cos things are actually getting better, in terms of my looks.

I still have more work to do. I want to be maybe 9-10 stone, or 140lbs

I see how people dress, and I wonder if it correlates to their weight. What kind of clothes do fat people wear? for instance. I think there isn't a clear line of distinction as I want to make. I guess I have been around people who do not dress with the same correlations that I make.

There is one guy (I mentioned him in a previous post); who I lived with in the past. We were good friends, and now we are in grad school now. I always felt comfortable with him, and I thought to myself that we were the same size, so I felt comfortable. What I found, however, was as I slimmed down, this man who I saw as 'the same size as me' is now looking exceptionally fat, and ugly to me.

I think I was blinded to him. Not only that, this guy encouraged me to eat unhealthily, and he forced me to leave parties and made me feel bad for making new friends and meeting new people. I think he's a guy I don't want to be around.

I am constantly worried about selling out, I guess I cannot corrupt my personality if I am isolated from the world.

I suppose you, the reader, don't notice how much more recluse I am from the world; or perhaps, you suspected I was recluse all along...

On the other hand, things have changed. Antonia is coming to stay the night with me. There might be sex. I'm a virgin. She loves me. I don't love her, I love Marie.