Fat days

Lots of people back in the 90s talked about 'bad hair days'. Now that my hair is longer, I don't have bad hair days; my hair looks lovely, especially that it is messy and curly; it sort of suits me I feel, to have messy thick volumous curly thick hair. I feel quite attractive about my hair. But its my belly I don't like.

Body image is a constant dialectic of feeling fat and feeling thin. Today, I'm having a fat day. Some days, I wear my sleek black tight crewneck shirt and walk down the street. I see how lots of the guys are quite fat. I feel like if I were thinner, maybe I would get more female attention, apparently any personality that I do have isn't good enough for them.

I feel fat. One thing I sometimes do is look in a mirror, and inflate my belly (by pushing my diaphram or whatever out as far as I can; then I push it in as far as I can. I'm imaginging one of those adverts on informercials where the guy is fat and then he is lean. If I push myself out as far as I can, I look to myself and say 'this is what I am'. I see whether my most fattest is acceptable. Sometimes it is, my tummy when I push it out looks quite alright, quite normal, even when I make myself look fat.

Pushing it in, however, is another issue; I feel ambivalent about that, I care about 'not being fat'. I don't care about 'being skinny'.

I do feel like I don't want my big shoulders to go away. I like that I have wide shouders. People used to say I had wide shoulders, I thought either this was a genuine trait of me, or it was something that came about by me being fat. I am investigating the legitimacy of this claim in my extreme slimming.

I'm lonely, I MSN'd Marie yesterday (twice, actually) she didn't reply. I feel a bit low.

I thought to myself, could there be any other girl that could do it for you? Its hard to think of anyone who could be as wonderful as Marie....

So I guess I'm stuck then. Fuck...

Still, I'll try to remain optimistic. One step at a time...

I do kind of just want to cry a bit, I wish I had a shoulder to cry on, if I did, I'd probably ruin the moment by wondering if iit was a wide or slim shoulder structure of the person.

Academic work i'm very behind. Kind of not in my thoughts right now...just the fact i look fat.