A reference to that Heather Small Song

Dear Diary,

What have I done today to make me feel proud? I write that and then I realise that it is from that 1990s song song from yesterdecade. I finished work at 2:30 AM, got home at 3:15, went to bed probably from 4am, and woke up at 11am. I then spent most of the morning wanking, and trying to get out of a stupour. I sort of justify it as tiredness. My dad told me that this family friend said her son is 'taking a year out', and when she said it, it was a way of trying to sound socially acceptable. Basically this guy has finished university, and now he's not doing anything: not travelling, not looking for work, not taking on any courses, just staying at home doing whatever it is.

I say that not as a judgmental person (although just mentioning it is implicitly normative), but I think of myself, tu quoque, as it were. I return to the original question: what have I done today to make me feel proud? I didn't go to the gym today as my mum held me in the house for an errand which required me to be at home, maybe that's an excuse. I've overeaten again, but I have lost 2lbs since earlier this week. I've applied for a job and I've caught up with my percieved worry about being behind schedule.

I'm edging closer to 25 years of age, I feel like a distinct failure and I have nothing going on in my life. I need to make changes. Well, the gym is one good thing, monitoring my food intake is another. Today I feel I haven't done a good job at both. I do feel very tired however. I feel that I might allow myself an early time to retire for tonight. Or perhaps it is more the case that I cannot be bothered to do any more scheduled tasks. I've done a fair few and I've even started to do some more writing on that project I have. I almost think I have an original idea.

For some reason I am feeling anxious physically, I'm not quite sure why, because I can't remember why I'm anxious. Maybe this feeling is from a sense of underachievement. Back when I was in school, things were so much more determined, success was objective: grades. Now that has gone and everyone can do anything. There are no objective metrics anymore, and yet there are normative pressures to fit against these very same metrics. You want me to specify what these metrics are don't you? These are things like happiness, success, prosperity, achieving something to be proud of.Things which adults are judged upon in social life. I feel very lost and my physical breathlessness seems to match my exasperation at the lack of oppurtunity and prospects for improving my situation and my life. I did a whole lot of job searching this week, and I found a few vacancies.

What if I just feel that life is pointless? What if I just feel that it is either braveura or nothing, and I am not allowed to have braveura. I am getting awfully tempted to purge. Mia has started to appear in my consciousness lately. I see it metaphorically as her sitting in a chair, looking at me. She says things, I've made the decision to walk away and ignore her. For various reasons I've made an excuse not to listen to the voice in my head, reasons such as: I'm busy, I have x to do right now.Maybe I'm also purposely ignoring her, and that recognition potentially makes her ask why I'm ignoring her.

The thought she proposes to me: is there something you have that I can't give? and is there something I can give you that you need right now?

The dangerous thought is answering her question: because she has something to give that I need. She has hope.