Sometimes I wonder to myself, I wonder if the darker thoughts that I try to avoid are the correct ones. My mind shifts through varying sets of beliefs about the world, optimisms, pessimisms, anger, hope, arrogance. I'm wonder sometimes which model should fit the real world. Today I let myself ignore the schedule, since I did so much yesterday I can allow myself to do so. I woke up getting a text from my counsellor telling me she wasn't able to make the session. Following this, I realised that this freed up some money in my calculation of being broke. This was a very happy conclusion for me because it means I can make ends meet, or at least I'm in a better position to make ends meet.
That makes me -£25 in the red
I then got an email from my boss, to the effect of saying that I will be able to get reimbursed from ages ago.
That's another ~£25 in the red
I also bought some new shoes, it was the shoes that fucked up my feet from the blister. I bought some boxing shoes, I wonder if it will help with my training. They look pretty fun and they remind me of a pair of shoes I used to have a long time ago...
(Story mode)
To set the scene it was 2005. During the august of hell. I was first put on antidpressants in the Summer of 2005. In a sense I feel I've told this story over and over in the couple of years after, but in recent years I have merely taken it for granted. I felt a great sense of disappointment in my life: everyone I knew had great friends at uni, a girlfriend or some kind of fucking experience, and I was getting more weight in my belly from the antidepressants and for the first time in my life, my weight became an issue. I felt completely isolated during this time of my life, and there were things that symbolised this: I had an out of date CD player in an MP3 player age; I wore clothes that were totally out of date for the mid 2000s and I didn't know anything about pop culture, music, tv shows or anything like that. I was a hermit in so many ways.
I felt completely uncomfortable in my clothes, and for me, clothes were a distinct way of finding some kind of identity with the world. I was in a state of limbo with my clothes and the years subsequent to 2005 were an exploration of my sartorial place, as well as a establishing a different sense of self. Moving from london to my university town was a big change and life changed a great deal. I remember a pair of shoes. It would be so strange to remember a pair of shoes, but I'm a bit of a hoarder. I used to have these amazing tan coloured chelsea boots, they symbolised my great achievements during college. Eventually, however, those boots broke, and got mud inside them. I still wore them but they were really bad for my feet (because of the mud).
I wanted to get another pair of shoes, I needed to in fact. It was a symbol of how I needed to change my ways. I went to this store, that I eventually came to visit often. They were cheap, really cheap but not primark cheap. They were a menswear store with african guys in there calling you 'boss' and some pop tunes and hip hop always played in the background. The shop was called 'The Officer's Club'. I think in recent years they have closed down due to the economic downturn. This shop had a lot of what I came to recognise as douchebag clothing. At the time I didn't know, and I bought a lot of douchebag clothes. I thought it was cool, I thought it was a way to feel a sense of individuality. If I ever criticise a douchebag for what they wear, I understand their mindset, and it is exactly why I critique them, for the ignorance and self-worth issues they exhibit were mine once, and perhaps still are, however, I dont think its cool to wear those shirts with dragons or wolves or weird heavy metal album fonts that look like tattoos.
I found this pair of shoes, they weren't boots, and they cut just under the ankle in terms of wearability. They were shaped along my foot really well, I guess by modern standards we appraise them as similar to the 'barefoot style' of shoe. I happened to have bought a pair today similar in kind to this 'barefoot' style that is moulded more naturally to the shape of the foot, and how it runs. I really bonded with these shoes. I felt insecure with these shoes because they were not the boots I loved, and I was still feeling uncomfortable in my skin. But at least with these shoes, I expressed my discomfort, in those shoes, I showed discord from the inside.
I wore those shoes throughout the summer of hell, I wore those shoes as things around me transitioned: my old laptop from school died; my CD player was outmoded and then I got a used mp3 player in its place (I've already written about that). Eventually I came to develop a new attire, a new set of clothes and a new staple of attire for what I wear regularly, that is when the rituals came in which forms me now. However, these foot like shoes in 2005 were a distinct transitory object. Eventually they broke, the sole was too cheap. I got attached to these shoes even though they were shitty and probably made me look poor. I was a very weird person back then, uncomfortable in my own skin and people probably could tell that anyway. Eventually during that time, however, I started to learn how to be more independent. I started to learn more about myself, learned to be different. I ddin't learn all of these things overnight, or even within the year period in which it transpired. It was more like a sowing of seeds, which eventually, after my really big breakdown in 2008, where I began to start again.
I guess the platitude of that time is that it is always possible to start over, to start again. Right now that seems so impossible, but many could do it, I did it many times in my history. Reinvented as a musician, as an academic, as a lover, as what I am now. Can I reinvent myself again? Time will tell. But I'll say this: I have the perfect transitory shoes for it, this time they aren't shit :)
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