give me a break!

Dear Diary,

I am financially cutting it close. With counselling, travelling and other such fees which are necessary, I am short £10.03 from tuesday, and then maybe short £35 the week after. I am reasonably confident that I will be alright for the month of June, but I am definately short on cash over the coming weeks. I've informed my boss that they owe me £25 for the disclosure form I had to order ages back, but even still that won't cover all the costs, in addition I am not confident that I will be fed that money in time. In short, I'm buggered. My mum found out about my ISA, and she said itw as very bad, she didn't 'tell me off' as such, and I did explain that I am not making unreasonable costs. Money is very tight and I am feeling desperate. My computer is old and its reasonable to suspect that many of the tools I presently use are going to crack at some point. One of my keyboards already fucked up, and my on board laptop keyboard also died on me.

I am fucked, a little stressed and I feel powerless. That blog post I wrote last night was fairly optimistic, every day I set a small number of tasks, when completed I consider it a day to be proud of, looking long term (which is absolutely necessary), I'm not sure how to make the finances work beyond Tuesday. I still have time, and I am thinking about it. It's not too late as it were. These thoughts are reminding me of the days when my anxiety was at its worst. My most immediate response right now is that I want to either purge or work out. I'm probably going to gym it again today. I'm totally addicted. I feel a desparation to reach those calorie targets. Because the rest of my life: my job situation, potential girls, and any sense of a career or future seem so bleak and distant to me, the only thing I can control is my body. Maybe I'm going to aim for 2000kcal again today.

Maybe gyming it is good for stress. I might work more on resistance today, now that my back isn't as sore! I must not forget that I also have work tomorrow. I was thinking about going to a comedy night later today, or tomorrow, but my financial situation is very bad and I just can't make it. I wish something good happened in my life for once.

I know that's a terrible thing to say. Because I need to make it happen.

I MUST MAKE IT HAPPEN