tonight, my mates and I went out. I was thinking of not going. I went. We firstly went to Nandos, then joined up with the full group to chat at wetherspoons. I went on a mission to get a bottle of jaegermeister and we finished it all while playing some drinking games.
After drinks, we went to a club across the road. Known in my experience for dumpy older women, douchebags and intimidating lecherous guys. Since it was empty we felt more at ease and slightly confident. I joined in a couple of conversations among the group, and then after a while, and a bit of a dance; we went out to the roof (where they smoke), and we joined this guy and girl who were playing a drinking game.
They were very amusing, and as it turned out the two people we joined were not an item. Two housemates they were, one (the girl) was basically the wingman/person to help the other housemate (male) to get girls and pull. Really nice method. It works better than having a guy wingman. For some reason, this amazingly beautiful (note, blonde and skinny and glamorous and gorgeous and intelligent - philosophy graduate) woman wanted to talk to the three of us, fatty, geeky, and me.
We talked about bullshit things and then it suddenly got heavy. This lady said some things that really make me think, it makes me think about how cruel the world is and how much of a scary and cold place it can be. This girl explained that a couple of months ago she had a life saving/life threatening condition where a watermelon sized tumour was attached to her stomach/ovary and it was removed. In the few weeks afterward, she was unable to eat or drink (water) and she vomited a lot when she tried. This led to her losing a lot of weight, like 4st or so.
This woman noted that her world changed in ways that a self conscious and fat concerned guy like me would have really wanted, but then it made me realise that old curse: be careful what you wish for. As this woman lost a lot more weight, a lot of guys paid more attention to her and this was most notable when men at her workplace were asking her out on dates. Before her operation this lady mentioned that people thought she was pregnant, or fat, because of the tumour inside her body that grew.
Men noticed her and saw her as attractive. Men who worked with her for years and did not even bother to talk to her, were now playing the player and she saw right through them. These men were only interested in her because of her looks and her 'new' appearance. This woman became attractive by their standards and her previous non-entity status was agitated by the very fact that they started to notice her when before they did not care.
The world can be a cruel place. I feel complicit in this evil, because my friends, or rather, a few of them; are exactly the kinds of people who perpetrate that falseness and emphasis on looks. I felt a sense of confidence today, perhaps it was the jaeger, perhaps it was my few pounds lost, perhaps it was a change in mindset. I talked to some other girls that night, in an amicable, friendly and non-theatening manner. I'd like to think I'm the non threatening type. I think the lady we talked to today found us to be non-theatening. I feel in a way that she saw us as fellow ugly ducklings too. It's just that she became a beautiful swan.
She told my friend something beautiful. She said to him that he's a really nice and cute guy and girls would love to be with someone like him. He should just not sweat it and not worry too much cos that makes it worse. This guy used to be my enemy, he's sort of a friend, but even I can be magnanimous to be someone who saw value and kindness in what she said. I mainly observed the group conversation, but in a sense participated in small ways. The lady asked me a lot why I was silent.
The lady asked us if we had any 'dirt' or 'dark histories' or 'issues'. My friend said that he's fat, 24 and never had a girlfriend. I admire his candour. I admire that girl's candour. I am so impressed that this girl got a grade viii in clarinet; paints in her spare time, works for a charity and survived a horrible medical incident. Oh, lets not forget that she's smoking hot and really really genuine.
I love authenticity. I love it in music, I love it in culture. I love it in people. She put her heart on her sleeve; she also wore a medical bracelet and showed possible signs of obsessive compulsive behaviour. She's basically the kind of girl I'd dream about, if I didn't have so many nightmares, or if mia didn't distract me.
coda
Just as an aside to this, if the girl asked the question to my friend: what issues do you have? and I answered honestly. I'd say
You know, to be honest. I don't really have any problems. I live in a nice house, no bills, finances are not terrible (not great either but what the hey) and I've got a warm bed to go home to. Talking of bed, the sun's getting up, I better sleep and get on with the day and my tasks when I get up. I'm also more positivve about putting myself out there and going out to clubs, talking to new people and so forth. If I can meet special girls like the one I met today (admitedly she wasn't on the market for guys; she was being a wingman for her male housemate so he could pull girls that she lured to him - man i want to have that!) - I'd be a happier person, maybe not laid or with a girlfriend. But I'd get that fixx of human contact that I missed for so long.
After drinks, we went to a club across the road. Known in my experience for dumpy older women, douchebags and intimidating lecherous guys. Since it was empty we felt more at ease and slightly confident. I joined in a couple of conversations among the group, and then after a while, and a bit of a dance; we went out to the roof (where they smoke), and we joined this guy and girl who were playing a drinking game.
They were very amusing, and as it turned out the two people we joined were not an item. Two housemates they were, one (the girl) was basically the wingman/person to help the other housemate (male) to get girls and pull. Really nice method. It works better than having a guy wingman. For some reason, this amazingly beautiful (note, blonde and skinny and glamorous and gorgeous and intelligent - philosophy graduate) woman wanted to talk to the three of us, fatty, geeky, and me.
We talked about bullshit things and then it suddenly got heavy. This lady said some things that really make me think, it makes me think about how cruel the world is and how much of a scary and cold place it can be. This girl explained that a couple of months ago she had a life saving/life threatening condition where a watermelon sized tumour was attached to her stomach/ovary and it was removed. In the few weeks afterward, she was unable to eat or drink (water) and she vomited a lot when she tried. This led to her losing a lot of weight, like 4st or so.
This woman noted that her world changed in ways that a self conscious and fat concerned guy like me would have really wanted, but then it made me realise that old curse: be careful what you wish for. As this woman lost a lot more weight, a lot of guys paid more attention to her and this was most notable when men at her workplace were asking her out on dates. Before her operation this lady mentioned that people thought she was pregnant, or fat, because of the tumour inside her body that grew.
Men noticed her and saw her as attractive. Men who worked with her for years and did not even bother to talk to her, were now playing the player and she saw right through them. These men were only interested in her because of her looks and her 'new' appearance. This woman became attractive by their standards and her previous non-entity status was agitated by the very fact that they started to notice her when before they did not care.
The world can be a cruel place. I feel complicit in this evil, because my friends, or rather, a few of them; are exactly the kinds of people who perpetrate that falseness and emphasis on looks. I felt a sense of confidence today, perhaps it was the jaeger, perhaps it was my few pounds lost, perhaps it was a change in mindset. I talked to some other girls that night, in an amicable, friendly and non-theatening manner. I'd like to think I'm the non threatening type. I think the lady we talked to today found us to be non-theatening. I feel in a way that she saw us as fellow ugly ducklings too. It's just that she became a beautiful swan.
She told my friend something beautiful. She said to him that he's a really nice and cute guy and girls would love to be with someone like him. He should just not sweat it and not worry too much cos that makes it worse. This guy used to be my enemy, he's sort of a friend, but even I can be magnanimous to be someone who saw value and kindness in what she said. I mainly observed the group conversation, but in a sense participated in small ways. The lady asked me a lot why I was silent.
The lady asked us if we had any 'dirt' or 'dark histories' or 'issues'. My friend said that he's fat, 24 and never had a girlfriend. I admire his candour. I admire that girl's candour. I am so impressed that this girl got a grade viii in clarinet; paints in her spare time, works for a charity and survived a horrible medical incident. Oh, lets not forget that she's smoking hot and really really genuine.
I love authenticity. I love it in music, I love it in culture. I love it in people. She put her heart on her sleeve; she also wore a medical bracelet and showed possible signs of obsessive compulsive behaviour. She's basically the kind of girl I'd dream about, if I didn't have so many nightmares, or if mia didn't distract me.
coda
Just as an aside to this, if the girl asked the question to my friend: what issues do you have? and I answered honestly. I'd say
- I live a double life where I run a support group and help people improve their lives
- I have an ED
- I have ex girlfriend issues
- I have intimacy issues
- I'm lonely
- I have little confidence
- I'm jobless/not in a PhD
You know, to be honest. I don't really have any problems. I live in a nice house, no bills, finances are not terrible (not great either but what the hey) and I've got a warm bed to go home to. Talking of bed, the sun's getting up, I better sleep and get on with the day and my tasks when I get up. I'm also more positivve about putting myself out there and going out to clubs, talking to new people and so forth. If I can meet special girls like the one I met today (admitedly she wasn't on the market for guys; she was being a wingman for her male housemate so he could pull girls that she lured to him - man i want to have that!) - I'd be a happier person, maybe not laid or with a girlfriend. But I'd get that fixx of human contact that I missed for so long.
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